YOKE YOURSELF

Yoga is everywhere these days.  When yoga came to the west it became more of a health fad than what it was developed for—a consciousness raising practice.  The word yoga means yoke. The practice of yoga was developed to “yoke” you to your higher consciousness.

To feel good we have to move our bodies. The sedentary lifestyle many of us experience will easily lead to depression, lethargy, and anxiety.  I always screen people for how much they exercise / move if they are depressed or anxious.  The cure could include yoga (or any other exercise).  Today there is a multitude of yoga disciplines to choose from: Hatha, Bikram, Kundalini, Kriya, Iyengar, Ashtanga, Kirpalu, Anusara, and Jivamukti. 

Yoga was designed to balance the chakras, raise the kundalini, and elevate our consciousness.  The seven chakras in the body are energy systems that correspond to differing levels of consciousness.  The chakras run along the spine and up through the top of the skull.  The kundalini is an energy that sits like a “coiled serpent” at the base of the spine.  For most of us this energy rarely raises past the first three chakras.  The goal of yoga is to raise it, and keep it raised, through all seven.  Saints and great humanitarian leaders are people who demonstrate consciousness from a place of fully balanced chakras and awakened, raised kundalini energy (Mandela, Mother Theresa, MLK, Paramahansa Yogananda, Christ, Buddha, religious figures of all kinds).  When this occurs the emotional and psychological systems are said to be in full alignment, balance, and capacity.  We also feel good. 

The first chakra or “root” chakra is at the base of the spine.  It corresponds to survival instincts and being grounded in life.  If the root chakra is out of balance we may have ongoing fear surrounding basic survival needs with money and food. We could develop addictions, phobias, obsessions, or just feeling ungrounded.   The root chakra has the color red. Eating root vegetables can aid in balancing this chakra.  Other healing foods are: apples, beets, cayenne peppers, tobacco, meat, eggs.  Also, just stomp your bare feet on the ground.  (indigenous tribes did a lot of stomping during full moons, which can be very un-grounding)

The second chakra is behind the navel area and is related to the sexual instincts, creativity, and the emotions.  This chakra tends to be out of balance in the west due to the rampant use of pornography, casual sexuality, and lack of creativity in the work place.  Imbalances result in emotional problems, compulsivity, dependency issues, creative blocks, and sexual guilt.  When the second chakra is balanced the results are pleasure, abundance, sense of well-being, and creative fulfillment.  The color is orange. Healing foods include oranges, carrots, melon and nuts. 

The third chakra is at the solar plexus and is related to self-worth, power, ability to achieve, sensitivity, and ambition.  When balanced this chakra harnesses our personal power, direction, and authority in life.  Blockages can result in frustration, anger, lack of direction, extreme anxiety, sense of victimization, sugar addictions, insomnia, and excessive fear.  Color is yellow.  Healing foods: corn, yellow lentils, yellow curry, whole grains, and chamomile or peppermint tea. 

Let’s pause here.  From a yogic perspective, the world is locked in the unbalanced, lower three, animalistic chakras.  The main concerns are survival, sex, and power (survival of the fittest in the animal kingdom).  For instance, on a planet with plenty for everyone millions are left without basic survival needs while others hoard millions and billions of dollars beyond what they could possibly need.  Sex is often seen more as a way to medicate anxiety, express anger, or as something to be bought.  Power is regularly exercised to keep most of society in a slave like condition.  Until these three are balanced in our lives it is rare if ever that we move into the fourth charkra— the first fully human center of the conscious human being from a yogic perspective.  

The fourth chakra is at the level of the heart, center of the chest.  The color is green.  It is the place of love, compassion, harmony, and peace.  Blockages result in inhumanity, lack of compassion, depression, reckless aggression, being detached, distrustful, hopeless.  When people say, “I feel so good in nature”, “I love you”, or “I love playing volleyball”, they usually mean their heart chakra is wide open.  Healing foods: leafy green vegetables, green tea.  Mother Theresa was famous for expressing this chakra for all of humanity. 

The fifth chakra is the throat chakra.  Balanced it is experienced as clear communication of feelings and truth to self and others, synthesis of ideas.  Unbalanced it can be experienced as problems communicating needs, attention deficit, isolation, dishonesty.  For balancing try: Tree fruits – apples, peaches, plums, etc., singing, and chanting can help clear the throat chakra.  Color is blue.

The sixth chakra is located at the center of the forehead.  This is the place of knowing, intuition, decision making, and wisdom.  Blockages result in lack of foresight, depression, mental rigidity, nightmares, and hallucinations. Color is indigo.  Healing foods:  chocolate, grapes, blueberries.

The seventh chakra is located at the top of the head.  It is concerned with understanding, bliss, and acceptance.  It is the “crown” chakra” connecting us to life mission, personal destiny, and spiritual reality.  Blockages result in feelings of isolation, disconnection from life, confusion, and depression.   Balancing “foods”:  clean air, sunshine. 

When we practice yoga we aid in aligning, balancing,  and awakening all seven chakras. We are then well positioned for deep meditation.  Yoga has captured an enormous following in the U.S.  You can practice at your local yoga center, gym, or follow it on line.    It is important that yoga is not a cure all.  Many people still need to seek help for addictions, relationship issues, etc. to fully take advantage of yoga’s benefits. 

Below Guru Singh teaches Kundalini Yoga in L.A.

LOVE IS THE DRUG

Psychoanalysis has taken some hard knocks over the years as a kind of mental masturbation.  The knocks aren’t all fair— and they’re not all without merit. At my office we have a few  cartoons about analysis in the staff room.  One is of a patient on the couch and an analyst sitting behind him—both are texting.  Another is of a man drowning and calling out to his dog on the riverbank, “Lassie, get help!”  Lassie is seen in the next frame lying on an analyst’s couch.  

I’ve done analysis. The main problem was the intermittent, unreliable experience of love in the therapy.  It was very “analytical”, intellectually heady, full of brilliant insights, heavy confrontation—and even fear.  The thing it lacked was its capacity to construct a safe, consistently loving process that could elicit a capacity for real change.  It was not without benefit.  I still use some tools from it.  It was just, well—circular. Patients of analysis often complain that,  “I figured out a lot of stuff, but nothing changed.”

Conversely I’ve worked with therapists who were brimming with love.  They held me in a safe space allowing me to look at and take responsibility for my “shadow” material—the icky stuff we all hold in unconscious places (yes, those are technical terms).  This holding capacity of the therapist was a central factor that facilitated my ability to take the responsibility I needed to make real change.   

The problem with some kinds of therapy is that they lack this container of love—the main force for healing.  Love in therapy can take many forms.  It can be the love in group therapy that members feel for each other, the love a patient learns to feel for their “inner child,” the compassion a patient learns in self-compassion exercises.  It can be the love felt between the patient and therapist that gives the patient the love they missed in early, crucial developmental stages.  It can be the love and acceptance a patient feels when they are at their most cynical, bitter, angry, victimized place.  It can be when someone is confronted with a firm, loving attitude of a therapist who can say, "That's enough.  You've been talking for three sessions about the problem with him.  I know you're stronger than this.  What do you want to do about it?"  

Carl Rodgers coined the theory of humanistic / client-centered therapy. The clinician is trained to hold the patient in a constant state of unconditional positive regard.  In this way the client, who may have extremely neurotic patterns from a history of rejection or abuse, learns to internalize the unconditional positive regard from the therapist and establish the same positive regard (read loving relationship) with themselves. 

There’s a strange paradox in schools of psychology. While love is obviously the primary healing force in all our lives, the word love is not explicitly used in many universities.  In fact, it was never a “subject matter” for any course in my degree program.  Its as if schools feel they won’t be taken seriously if they sound too “touchy feely” in their course materials. 

In my experience the main thing clients need to experience in therapy is love and forgiveness for whatever guilt they may be holding onto.  This is not a sugary, pink paint kind of love. It is a specific, powerful, and even fierce energy that breaks through long standing neurotic patterns.  

As much as love in therapy is about affirming a person's worth and the value of saying yes to their lives,  love can also about teaching someone the value of the word, "No." "No, I won't be abused anymore." "No, I'm not going to stay in this life sucking job."  "No, I'm not going to keep using heroin.  I'll do whatever it takes to stop."  "No, I won't keep blaming my parents for my life."  

Here is a list of common problems people have issues with in therapy and their possible treatment: 

You’re depressed. (i.e.  You’re constantly critical or angry with yourself).  Approach for change: Learn to accept and love all of your feelings—especially anger, learn self-compassion, and how to take better self-care.  Break isolation and open to intimacy with others. 

You’re in an addiction.  (i.e. You’re self-soothing with drugs, gambling, food, alcohol, or sex because you feel so bad about yourself).  Approach to change:  Learn to self-soothe and safely experience uncomfortable feelings.  Learn to rely on others to help love you where you are unable to love yourself.  This may take a group effort like twelve steps where you find others with the same issue who will love and accept you as you are. If in keeping with your beliefs, establish a loving “higher power” to rely on in. 

You’re in a toxic relationship.  Approach for change: Learn to lovingly re-parent your “inner child” and learn to communicate / mirror thoughts, feelings, and needs, hold boundaries.  If need be, learn to say no to continuing.  

You’re ridden with anxiety.  Approach for change:  Learn to lovingly accept unresolved trauma in your unconscious.  This could be done with Emotional Freedom Technique.  In this technique the first statement you would focus on is, “Even though I’m full of anxiety I deeply love and accept myself.”   

You hate you’re job and want to change.  Approach for change: Challenge self –limiting career beliefs, learn self-compassion for creative desires, recover buried passions, pursue career you love with goals that bring about change.   (Joseph Campbell’s recipe was, Follow Your Bliss).  Also, keep accountable in session to a therapist who supports and cares for your steps to change. 

The late Leo Buscaglia was a rare scholar in the study of Love at USC (his course was called Love 1A).  His lectures became so popular PBS picked him up for a special.

Check him out: 

GETTING PUNCHED IN THE FACE

“Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.”

-       Mike Tyson

I’m a boxer.  I had a plan one day on how I was going to take on the biggest guy in the gym.  I’d out maneuver him.  “Speed beats strength,” as they say in boxing.  I’d show him a few moves, tire him out, then come in for the kill.  My plan lasted about 2 minutes before he hit me so hard my future children felt it.  An hour later I was at the hospital hooked up to an EKG machine.  What happened?  I had a plan. 

A more difficult punch came when my mother was diagnosed with cancer and died at age 64.  What happened?  My family had all planned on her living into her 80’s or 90’s.  Life happened. 

Everyone gets punched from time to time in the midst of their life plans.  You come in to work to find a pink slip on your desk.  A man comes home to his wife packing to leave him.  A woman looks in the mirror at fifty and wonders where her life went.  A friend dies in a car accident.  

Some punches are more famous:  Bernie Madoff gets thrown in jail after decades of running a “successful” ponzi scheme.   Nelson Mandela gets put in jail for 27 years in the midst of leading his people against Apartheid.  Stephen Hawking gets diagnosed with MS in college. Victor Frankel gets incarcerated in a concentration camp.  FDR contracts polio and becomes paralyzed.  Harriet Tubman is born into slavery.  Abraham Lincoln suffers acute bouts of depression and the civil war.  Muhammad Ali gets his boxing license taken away for opposing the Vietnam War.  (he said it was his “greatest fight”) and later suffers Parkinson’s disease.  Brad and Angie get divorced mid Hollywood fairy tail—again.  After overcoming Jim Crow Laws and childhood poverty to become a prominent author and activist, Alice Walker gets dealt another blow when her daughter leaves their relationship.

Author Eckhart Tolle says that many people of faith lose their way when tragedy strikes.  He says their internal belief is, “That wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I had a deal with the universe, or with God.  Nothing bad was supposed to happen.” 

But what if we are supposed to get punched in the face by life on occasion. While few of us will be called on to face the challenges of Mandela, Tubman, or Frankel, all of us will be knocked off our feet from time to time.

Mandela, Tubman, FDR, and Frankel became archetypal figures—people we can all follow, because of their ability to get punched that hard by life and find their way through.  When asked how he coped with the years in prison Mandela said, “I wasn’t coping.  I was preparing to lead.”  When Frankel was in a concentration camp his great break through came when he realized the Nazi’s could only control his body, but not his mind.  He had full rein over whether he saw himself as a victim or as a hero.  He chose hero.  When Harriet Tubman made it to freedom she turned around and went back for others. FDR hid his handicap to go to be one of the most storied presidents in history. 

Many of us are not so fortunate.  Phillip Seymour Hoffman becomes a successful actor but dies of a heroin overdose.  Whitney Houston suffers a similar demise.  Nixon resigns in disgrace.  The Golden Gate Bridge is famous both for its beauty and its popularity as a place to commit suicide. Life can hit hard.

The tendency for many of us when faced with difficulty is to get triggered into a victim story—sometimes referred to as a  “Why me?” story.  The story tends to have its roots in comparison to others.  In A.A. they say we, “Compare and despair.” Why did I marry an alcoholic and not Tom?  Why did she get left a fortune and not me? How did my wife end up in jail?  Why did this happen to me and not the other guy?   

What happens when you get “punched in the face”?  Do you build a “why me?” story, or are you able to find your way through?  Are you able to admit your pain to others or do you hide in shame and secrecy?  Are you able to ask for the help needed? The point being that if we give up or give in to the punches we take, then we suffer the real tragedy:  an overdose, a life of quiet desperation, an untreated addiction, ongoing depression, isolation, extreme poverty, even suicide.  

That fact that life is difficult is not news.  I have grown a little suspicious of friends who always tell me they are doing “great”.  One friend who consistently touted his happy life was found to be an untreated alcoholic, another cheating on his spouse, a third suffering a debilitating depression in a toxic marriage, a gym buddy was secretly bulimic.  When we hide the bruises we are taking from life’s punches they can become untreated cancers in our psyche and in our lives. 

Maybe we can normalize our challenges, even expect them.  Maybe we can be taken less by surprise that we get punched.  Can we learn to ask for help?  Can we show others they are not alone in their struggles? 

Western culture has a decidedly hyper independent mentality.  We haven’t quite given up on the “rugged individualism” thing that has lead us into a deep psychological hole of isolation and mental illness. We are ranked third in the world for depression and 8th in the world for recreational and prescription drug abuse.  

You can get whatever help you need.  Be willing to look at the punches you are taking or have taken clearly.  Know that you are bigger than them.  You can get the help is available to meet the challenge. You are not gonna get knocked out.

Below Rocky Explains It All For You:  

A WOMAN IS MARCHING YOUR WAY

Patriarchy has had a long run on planet Earth.  The results are in and the verdict seems to be a pretty dismal one—environmental degradation, hoarding of resources, out of control competition, sexual violence, and warfare as decision making between nations.   

To be fair to my fellow men, we’ve also created great works of art, engineering, and modern technological advances.  Many men are becoming better parents, lovers, and nurturers.  Still, we seem to be at a breaking point with the diehard values of patriarchy and the arrangement of having one sex controlling world events.   Even now only one in five members of the U.S. congress is female.  

It could be argued that we are in dire need of the female influence to balance the shadow side of patriarchy.  That is, we need more receptivity, nurturing, and inclusivity.

Last weekend I attended the Woman’s March in L.A.  I knew it was going to be big, but I didn’t have any idea that it would be hundreds of thousands—and millions across the world.  The march celebrated women’s power, their need for respect, and a repudiation of what is largely regarded as a resurgence of a misogynistic political policy.

Marianne Williamson, author, political activist, and lecturer has repeatedly said that women could change the world if across the globe they stood up, marched, and said, “Not in my house.” (the “house” being planet earth)   “Not in my house will children starve.”  “Not in my house will people be homeless.”  “Not in my house will people go without their basic needs met.” “Not in my house will the environment be trashed.” 

Williamson says it has become too easy for women to blame the patriarchy of men for all our problems.  She asserts that the problem is as much men’s patriarchal dominance as it is women’s willingness to sit down and take it.  Well, for anyone who was at the march, it was obvious that women are standing up. 

Let’s talk about how this affects romantic relationships.  The patriarchal influence on the history of relationships across the world is that the male holds the purse strings, makes the decisions, and dictates the terms of the relationship. The woman may have a say, but there is usually an implicit understanding that he will determine the direction and outcome of major life events.  Even in LGBT relationships this dynamic is often true.  The partner who has more “yang,” or male energy, is often put in charge of the relationship decision making. 

I once spoke to an Imago Couples Therapist who treated a couple living in this old model of patriarchy.  When the therapist asked the man to mirror the woman (i.e. that he repeat back to her what he heard her say) he grew increasingly agitated, got up, and said, “I’m not mirroring her!” and abruptly left the session.  The woman had a few choices:  a choice to fall back into passivity, to insist they continue therapy to be together, to find other kinds of help, or to leave.  The decision is hers but for many women the time for choosing passivity is over.  

To be clear, psychological equality between men and women is not about men going “all soft.”  It is about men retaining their authentic masculine while making room for women to have equal power.

A basic goal of Imago Couples Therapy is to break out of the patriarchal model and have egalitarian relationships, where power is shared and both people are held in equal esteem.

Oprah Winfrey showed up at my church a few months ago with her partner Steadman Graham.  Winfrey says that if it wasn’t for doing Imago Couples Therapy, they wouldn’t still be together.   It was interesting to see his grace in what must be an everyday occurrence of allowing his partner the spotlight.  He seemed at ease in his masculinity and dignity.  They looked like equals. 

Oprah says all arguments are about couples asking three questions: Did you hear me?  Did you see me? Did what I say mean anything to you? 

In this week’s video she goes over a long history of dealing with patriarchy, raising consciousness, and coming to a place of empowerment and peace.

Take a look: 

BE A FOOL

The Fool archetype is an important part of our psyche that when embodied in a positive sense is both playful and wise.  When we access the Fool it can cut through the denseness of our critical minds.   

In Shakespearean plays The Fool in the kingdom is often portrayed as the only one that can tell The King the truth without getting his head cut off. That is, his light-hearted foolishness helps him access deep wisdom and disarm The King’s tyranny.

The positive Fool urges us to enjoy the process of life with freedom, humor, and joy. The Fool invites us all out to play—showing us how to turn our work, our relationships, and our boring tasks into fun. The goal of The Fool, perhaps the wisest goal of all—is just to enjoy life as it is, with all its paradoxes and dilemmas.

I was once at a men’s retreat and we were all given an envelope with an archetype to embody for the weekend.  It was exciting.  Would I be The King?  Maybe The Warrior? Probably I’d be The Sage.  Then again I could be The Lover—but probably I'd be The Sage. I am a therapist after all. When I unfolded my paper and found the word FOOL written on it my heart sank. Then I laughed.  This is just what The Fool is about, taking us off of our pedestals and finding the ground.  Breaking our seriousness or loftiness and knowing we are not better or worse than anyone.  I had a wonderful weekend embodying the trickster at different workshops—giving myself permission to be a Fool. 

In a negative or Shadow sense The Fool can be prone to laziness, gluttony, lack of self-control, lack of dignity, or inability to focus. This is where play becomes toxic.  Instead of finishing your dissertation you’re at another party getting high.  You need to submit that resume but you’re eating ice cream in front of the television comedy.  This is where “fun” becomes life sucking.  In the worst sense it could look like addictions—overindulging in alcohol, sex, food, or drugs, while life slips away.   This is not being the wise Fool, it is being  foolish.   This kind of Shadow Fool needs more of the Warrior energy to be harnessed so as to refocus yourself.  It may be time to stay home and finish the writing.  It could be time to enter a recovery program. The Shadow Fool can look harmless on the surface but be destroying our dreams quietly in the background. 

During the turmoil of the Bush administration Jon Stewart, host of The Daily Show, became one of our great Fools.  His wisdom and humor helped guide people through an oppressive economy and the tragedy of a new war.  Stewart later went on to interview Barak Obama multiple times in a modern day enactment of The Fool talking to The King. 

Charlie Chaplin was a famous Fool who satired the difficulties people faced in poverty with his character,  The Little Tramp.  He also skewered Adolf Hitler in his classic movie, The Great Dictator.  While for some this may seem extreme, the point of The Fool is to be able to help us look at the most dire aspects of life—and deal with them without being disabled by their enormity.  As comics like to say, "Comedy is tragedy plus time."

Other famous Fools include Richard Pryor, Ellen, Jim Carrey, Chris Rock, Robin Williams, Wanda Sykes, Stephen Colbert, Monty Python, and Whoopi Goldberg. Fools are not just humorous.  They bring wisdom to their humor that cuts through our pain and enlightens society. 

Where could you stand a little more Fool in your life?  Is there a project you are “staking your life on” that you can laugh about?  Is there a child you are resisting being really playful with? Do you have a guilty past mistake you can now joke about? If you have ever attended a twelve step recovery meeting you might think you walked into a stand up comedy show.  Addicts love to laugh at their tragic pasts.  Is Disney Land still on your to do list? Can your cubicle use a few cartoons or playful toys?  I know a well-published writer whose office is full of miniature toys and figurines.  Its fun just to walk into his work place.

Below one of our great fools, Jim Carrey, performs in a wise fool movie - Yes Man. 

Take a look:

YOU HAVE A CHILD

John Bradshaw became a pioneer in psychology after battling a long career as an out of control alcoholic.  Through his work in therapy and the twelve step program he learned the language of healing and rose to prominence in his ability to help others. Bradshaw eventually broke new ground in the mental health field when he coined the term, “inner child.”   He became a leading figure in family systems theory and addiction recovery.  His insight, humor, and intelligence lead to a PBS series and multiple books—the best known entitled, Homecoming, Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child.

The “inner child” refers to the part of our psyche that retains all of our childhood memories, fears, traumas, and successes.  The inner child then develops core beliefs about itself through these experiences and carries those core beliefs into our adult life.  

The “inner parent” is the part of the psyche that is internalized from how our parents raised us.  This becomes how we talk to ourselves  (i.e. how we parent our inner child).   Bradshaw asserts that most of us need to learn to “re-parent our inner child” to heal the unfinished business of childhood.

For instance, if you were repeatedly shamed with a comment such as, “What’s wrong with you?”, when you made mistakes as a child, you may then repeat that narrative as an adult in the way you talk to your “inner child.”  If you risk starting a business and it fails, your “inner parent” may say something like: “See, I knew this was bad idea. How stupid to think this could work.  What’s wrong with you?”  

Your “inner child” is then shamed again and the core beliefs about being bad or not good enough are reinforced. Recycling this inner story can easily lead to profound depression, anxiety, and even addictions.  In the above example you could also conclude that you should never try another business.  This is what happens when we live in what Bradshaw refers to as our “toxic shame” or “the shame that binds you.”  Toxic shame says, “I am bad.  I am a failure.  I’ll never be good enough.  What’s wrong with me?” 

Healthy shame in Bradshaw’s teaching is the kind of shame we have when we hurt others, take advantage of them, or act recklessly.  Healthy shame says things like, “I feel bad about how I treated him.  I need to apologize. I should change my behavior.  I need to make an amends.” 

Healthy shame informs how to handle a situation when I make a mistake.  Toxic shame tells me that who I am is wrong when I make a mistake .

So, “parenting your inner child” is essentially paying attention to how you talk to yourself. While most of us are aware we have an ongoing inner dialogue commenting on our experiences, hopes, regrets, and judgments, few people pay real attention to how critical and even abusive they can be to their “inner child”—a part of them that remains vulnerable, sensitive, and in need of encouragement. 

Is it possible you could start a business, have it fail, and respond internally with, “It’s ok, most first time businesses fail.  What you’re feeling is normal.  What did you learn?  I can try again.  I’m sure I’ll do better next time.  I’m proud of myself for trying.”  This would be an example of an internal “nurturing parent.” This kind of re-parenting helps to support and heal the “inner child.” We can encourage ourselves to keep going, strive for our dreams, and remain in a place of feeling accepted and loved.

If we come from difficult backgrounds it can be exceedingly difficult to retrain ourselves to be nurturing to the “inner child.”  Many of us need outside help to achieve this change. Bradshaw says that we sometimes need to find a “family of choice.”  That is, we need people who can help us heal, a kind of second try at the family system:  a support group that we have chosen to join, a therapist than can nurture us, a recovery group that addresses our particular issues such as codependence, drug addiction, adult children of alcoholics, etc.  This “family of choice” can help to do the re-parenting for us until we are able to do it for ourselves.

Below John Bradshaw talks on the “Inner Child.”  See the full series on YouTube.  Check it out:

DON'T GO IN THERE ALONE

“My mind is a dangerous neighborhood.  I try not to go in there alone.”

                                                                                        —Anne Lamott. 

Miss Lamott likely got this saying from the people of alcoholics anonymous, but it applies to everyone.  We all have a shadowy, “dangerous neighborhood” in our heads from time to time.  For some of us the neighborhood can be dangerous on a daily basis. Trying to deal with the mind alone can be like attempting to tame a rattlesnake—we’re probably gonna get bit up really bad and find out we’re terrible rattlesnake tamers.

Whether it’s a therapist, a life coach, a support group, a sponsor, or any other trusted guide, many of us need a supportive witness to the darkness of our minds to help us move into a healthier, self-aware place.

The unexamined mind can have all kinds of neurotic blind spots that it can’t see without this kind of help. As Einstein said, "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it."   In A.A. the similar slogan is, "Your best thinking got you here. Take direction."  

In psychology programs therapists are required to be in therapy as part of their training.  No one enters the field of psychotherapy under any pretenses that they don’t have to do their own work.   

One diagnoses in psychology is the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  This is the person who is really going it alone, believing they have it all figured out.  They are reckless in their lives, sometimes outwardly successful at achieving goals, and imminently destructive to others.  These people project their “shadow” onto others. 

The shadow is the part of ourselves we hide, repress, or deny.  The Narcissist looks on the world and proclaims, “They” are the addict, the lazy one, the menace, the tyrant—not me.  “They” need to get help, be punished, be locked up, be avoided, be vilified.  Narcissists are people who feel they are beyond the need for help. (a certain politician comes to mind—actually many of them do).  

The world is full of narcissism.  We need only turn on the daily news to see what happens when people try to go it alone—not so good. 

Its not that everyone has to do therapy.  No one has to do anything.  It’s just that without some deep examination and significant humility about our limitations, we spend a lot of time in the bad neighborhood— and often expose others to it through projecting our disowned shadows on them.

We all go unconscious.  We all have shadows to work out.  We are all prone to depression, anxiety, addictions, anger, and irrational fears.

Mother Theresa’s famous quote, “I can see the Hitler in myself”, speaks of a woman with true courage to see her own shadow, do deep transformational work, and show us the way into compassion for ourselves and the world. 

Below Debbie Ford explores the unexamined shadow and its effect on our lives in the movie, The Shadow Effect. 

Take a look: 

THE SECRET OF THE UNIVERSE

Complaining about life is a habit some of us (ok most of us) participate in outwardly or inwardly much of the day.  It is a habit from the conditioned mind that lives in eternal dissatisfaction with something about our lives:  our homes, our partners, our being alone, the weather, our money, our looks, our age, the stock market, our health, our- fill in the blank.  This subtle or not so subtle complaining has one common denominator—the conditioned mind’s dissatisfaction with the self. 

The core thinking of the conditioned mind is, “I’m not enough.” The same mind then extends this belief out and invariably believes that,  “This thing in my life is not enough and I have to fix it to be enough.”  When it doesn’t work the conditioned mind plays out this scenario over and over, living in continual dissatisfaction.  Because it is looking at the wrong place, outside ourselves, it never reaches a solution.

The conditioned mind is formed from the inevitable shortcomings of our family and culture.  It’s essential approach to life is to negate it, or say “No” to it.  From the conditioned mind’s perspective life is continually judged and denied as coming up short.  This perception can be so deep that we rarely get any real relief from the anxiety or low-level depression it generates. 

Even when we do get relief it tends to be short lived.  Perhaps we get the partner, the money, the house, the success in whatever form.  For a short time we may have felt that we arrived.  However, before long the conditioned mind will kick back in and start looking for the next limitation or shortcoming that makes life unsatisfying, the next thing that needs fixing. 

Many people have a fascination with watching toddlers.  Once, when my mother called her friend and asked what the family was doing, the friend said,  “Watching the kids.”  In watching toddlers we observe the unconditioned mind in all it’s natural openhearted embracing of life.

Toddlers have yet to learn that anything they do is wrong or that there is anything “wrong” with them.  In the philosopher Nietzsche’s words, “a child is like a wheel rolling out of its own center.”  A child’s natural, unconditioned mind is essentially one of full acceptance of themselves and their experience.  In essence, the child is saying “Yes” to itself and to life. 

The same unconditioned mind is seen to some extent in domestic animals—and is largely responsible for people’s obsession with their pets. Dogs will go into joy at the slightest invitation.  “Do you want to go for a walk?”—can elicit mad tail wagging and jumping. 

We have a couple videos in today's blog.  

First, in Mindful awareness we learn that the secret of the universe is to say yes to our lives in all aspects.  In a sense we even say yes to the conditioned mind and all it’s complaining.  We are then able to accept our lives from a place of new awareness and compassion.  Mindfulness can liberate us from the conditioned mind back into a mature, self-aware relationship with the unconditioned mind. We can regain a joyful awareness from a mind that is “…rolling out of its own center.”

See the two previous posts Mindfulness and the Two Wolves, and Mindfulness 101 for more on how to practice Mindful awareness.

Eckhart Tolle is one of the pre-eminent teachers of Mindful awareness.  Here he goes more in depth into The Secret of The Universe:

Next, in the wonderful comedy Yes Man, with Jim Carrey, the character of Carl is living a life of quiet desperation.  His conditioned mind is defending against life, saying “No” to new experiences and trying to remain safe.  He works in a dead end job, doesn’t date, avoids socializing, lives in depression, and watches a lot of TV.  He is challenged in a hilarious way to say “Yes” to everything in his life. In taking up the challenge he finds a whole world of adventure, love, and excitement in the process. Ironically Jim Carrey is an ardent student of Eckhart Tolle.  

Check it out: 

YOUR BRAIN ON PORN

With the advent of high speed internet, porn addiction has reached epidemic proportions.  In fact, researchers who are studying porn addiction have found that one of their greatest challenges is in finding control groups of men who do not watch porn to contrast with those who do.  Apparently the porn-free man is a rare breed. 

The destructive implications of regular porn viewing are now widely documented.  The repeated viewing of pornography actually changes the brain structure of the person viewing it. 

Pornography exacerbates the release of dopamine in the brain – the feel good neurotransmitter.  The excess of dopamine then creates an excess of Delta FosB – a molecular brain switch that tells the brain to get more stimulation, that is, to find more and different kinds of porn for additional stimulation.  Over time the pleasure response center in the brain numbs to every day enjoyments.  The pleasure response center is trained to require stimulation that is only accessible through porn. Not only does the porn addicted person need more each day, he will often need more varied and extreme kinds of porn to stimulate himself.

Is all this really so bad?  Umm, yeah.  Long-term effects of porn use include depression, difficulty focusing, difficulty accomplishing tasks, social anxiety, erectile dysfunction, an inability to create romantic relationships, and an inability to enjoy intimate sex with a partner.  The symptom that usually gets a man’s attention is erectile dysfunction. 

Internet porn creates erectile dysfunction as the numbed out, over stimulated brain of the porn user sends weaker and weaker signals to the penis. This creates a lower reaction to porn sites over time, a drop in libido, and eventual erectile dysfunction.

Fortunately, for the man who is willing to do his self-growth work, the brain is malleable and can heal if he gets help.  This could look like professional therapy, twelve-step recovery (check out sex addicts anonymous saa-recovery.org), and filtering his computer with a porn filter (netnany.com).   

The website, yourbrainonporn.com gives a comprehensive look at this epidemic and offers hope for the porn addicted person. 

Check out Gary Wilson's Tedx talk, The Great Porn Experiment, for more:

TAP OUT YOUR DEPRESSION

Emotional Freedom Technique (i.e. EFT) or “Tapping”, is a healing modality originated by Gary Craig.  It draws on various healing theories such as acupuncture, neuro-linguistic programming, energy medicine, and Thought Field Therapy. 

When utilizing EFT you focus on talking through a specific issue while tapping on the end points of the body’s energy meridians to reduce cortisol levels. Cortisol is the hormone released by the brain’s amygdala gland when under stress— sometimes resulting in paralyzing depression or anxiety.

Cortisol is said to trap our thinking in the reptilian, or flight / attack portion of the brain (the back of the brain). When this happens, a perceived threat, however little, can be translated into the need to go into a flight / attack response.

Flight could look like isolation, going into an addiction, hiding the truth, shutting down, leaving a relationship, etc.

Attack could look like screaming, ridiculing, pressuring someone, or even physically harming them in an effort to feel like our domination has been established and we are “safe from the threat.” 

Tapping allows us to decrease cortisol levels and process perceived threats from the frontal lobe of the brain. When fears are processed through this part of the brain we can more easily self contain, access rational thought, and effectively problem solve without going into flight / attack mode.

In a matter of minutes people often report decreased depression, anxiety, and fear.  There have even been numerous reports of decreased physical pain when utilizing EFT.

Below Nick Ortner talks on the basics outlining EFT or “Tapping.” 

Check it out:

BLUE PILL OR RED PILL?

We all get hypnotized by life. Through families, culture, schooling—all of our experiences hypnotize us in some ways into a conditioned thinking.  This thinking can recirculate in the background of our entire life experience. 

In fact, author Deepak Chopra says, “…most of your thoughts are not your own.  They are left over from the past or imposed on you by the world, recycling unconsciously through your mind.”  (Uh oh.) 

The messages we internalized can lead to all kinds of unfortunate beliefs and behaviors.  Perhaps there were times when we were abused, unseen, abandoned, or unacknowledged and came away telling ourselves we were “less than”.  Maybe we grew up surrounded by poverty and believed, “everyone in my family ends up poor.”

We could have been acculturated to believe that another race, sexual preference, sex, or religion was to be despised, attacked, or at least belittled.  We could have been taught to live in fear around a myriad of things:  money, love, work, mission, our feelings, hopes, and even freedom.  These limiting thoughts and beliefs make up what the mystic Rumi called, “…your personal prison.” 

In the movie The Matrix, Neo, the protagonist, is told by his mentor, Morpheus, to choose between the Red pill and the Blue pill.  The Blue pill symbolizes a choice to stay asleep to his past conditioning—a choice most people make.  If he does this he will agree to sleep walk, to not be challenged, and to stay safely numb in “the Matrix”—a societal construct built by the top few people in a society to benefit them and control the rest of the population (think the current political debate around one percent of the population controlling the wealth and pulling the strings of American society). 

More practically speaking, taking the Blue pill means that I may stay in a belief that I am powerless in life, that others get all the breaks, that my race, religion, family, or geography determines the outcome of my life. I am essentially on autopilot, trying to do whatever I can to remain safe in an “unsafe world” controlled by others.

Taking the Red pill symbolizes Neo’s choice to break out, take risks, and live his authentic life. This choice is fraught with challenges, dangers, and adventures that the safe path of the Blue pill never approaches.  It is important to recognize that when he does take the path of the Red pill, his life is anything but easy.  He walks through tremendous fear on his way to freedom.  He lives a sparse, difficult existence for a time.  All his past, deeply ingrained beliefs have to be challenged and released. 

Taking the Red pill can mean different things to different people.  The key is that it wakes us up into our authentic life.  It leads us to the path of fulfillment and joy that has been waiting for us, but that we have been resisting through fear. 

Taking the Red pill may mean starting therapy, quitting a safe job, investing in a business, hiring a life coach, going into 12-step recovery for an addiction, learning to meditate, starting an alkaline diet, leaving a toxic relationship, taking up a political or environmental cause, challenging the one percent, committing to a relationship, having children, moving.  The Red pill symbolizes the only true path to freedom in life.  Deepak Chopra, Rembrandt, Bill Gates, Harvey Milk, Father Greg Boyle, Marie Curie, teacher Albert Cullum, Joni Mitchell, JK Rowling, and the people protesting the oil pipeline at Standing Rock are among our heroes who took the Red pill in a major way. 

The choice between the Red and Blue pill is just that, a choice.  We make this choice every day in small or large ways.  If you are choosing to stay asleep in different ways, be compassionate with yourself.  You probably have also chosen to take the Red pill in some ways.  Perhaps you are in a dead end job but are a weekend artist.  Maybe you are in a toxic relationship but active in the environmental movement.  You could be a writer who isn’t writing but is parenting in a beautiful way.  Can the times you have chosen the Red pill be expanded?  Are there bigger ways you can wake up to your life? 

Below Neo makes his fateful decision. 

Take a look:

MIRROR MIRROR

Relationships are work.  We all know that.  Whether its friends, family, co-workers, or lovers— relationships tend to be the holy grail of self-growth challenges.  The thing most people struggle with in relationships is being able to communicate effectively when they are regressed into a fearful, unresolved childhood issue.  When this childhood issue is “triggered”, and we have an old fear come up, communication often breaks down into an attack / defend pattern.  This defensive form of communication comes from feeling threatened and tries to prove that one person is “right” and the other person is “wrong” as a way of feeling safe.  The end result of the pattern usually ranges from being stalemated to actually wounding each other psychologically.

Why do we do this obviously self-defeating pattern over and over in our adult relationships?  It may seem normal for children to do this, but when we are in our adult life it makes no rational sense—yet we see ourselves still participating in it. 

One idea is that we were not “mirrored” enough in our early development—leaving us with a psychic wound where we did not feel seen, heard, or validated.  Because a child’s survival is tied directly to the parents, a lack of mirroring can actually feel life threatening.  When a child’s experience is not reflected in the eyes and voice of their parents, that child goes into a panic.  It is as if their identity, instead of being grown and matured, is being annihilated or abandoned.

If a child is crying and the parent puts them away in a room, ignores them, yells at them, or tells them to be quiet, that child suffers this kind of annihilation or abandonment.  They also internalize a core belief that they are “in danger”, “wrong”, “bad”, “not enough”, “unloved”, or “unsafe.” 

When, as adults, we hit conflicts in our relationships and regress into these beliefs, we can actually unconsciously believe that our life is being threatened and that we better attack the person threatening us to survive.  We need to be “right”, and “seen” by the other to survive the fight.  We might do this by screaming, arguing, cajoling, being passive aggressive, manipulating, or using whatever defense we learned that can get us seen, acknowledged, or validated. Conversely we may go silent, withdrawal, shut down, or regress into some form of helplessness.  This attack / defend cycle can continue for months and years if it is not addressed. 

So what is mirroring?  Simply stated, it is looking in another person’s eyes and somehow vocalizing that who they are is seen, empathized with, appreciated, valuable, and held in equal esteem. 

In Imago Couples Therapy the couple is taught to mirror each other in a very direct, simple, and powerful way. The mirroring bypasses the previously mentioned defenses and allows the unconscious childhood wounding to heal (i.e. heals the unfinished business of childhood).  In this way we can move out of acting like impulsive, defensive children when in conflict, and move into operating from a conscious, self-aware, intimate, adult mind.  

Below Harville Hendrix, the originator of Imago Couples Therapy, discusses how it works with his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt.

Take a look:

To Medicate or Not to Medicate

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Mental health is not a given for anyone, it takes work.  In fact, as Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Travelled, states, “…most of us are mentally ill to a greater or lesser degree.” 
 
One famous definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  Is there anyone who can honestly claim that they haven’t lived out that insanity somehow in their lives?
 
When we talk about medication we are opening a big conversation.  Truthfully most of us medicate our pain with different things:  TV, food, alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, the list goes on. 

Still, often people need to be medicated with pharmaceuticals either for a short time or on an ongoing basis. But with the billion dollar profits of the pharmaceutical industry, is it any wonder that many are being over medicated? 
 
If someone needs medication there are a few litmus tests to look for.  Is the person at risk for harm to themselves or others?  If they are, medication certainly needs to be considered.  I once treated a man in a hospital who had scars up and down his arms from self-harm. He absolutely needed medication. 
 
Is the person unable to function in their day-to-day responsibilities because of a mood disorder? (i.e. depression, anxiety, panic, etc.) Are they unable to go to work, school, or get out of bed?  Do they have anger outbursts threatening their relationships?  Are they stricken with PTSD?   If so, they could likely benefit from medication.  
 
Still, medication has become so widely used for so many issues that as much as it can be of help, it can also create blocks to mental health.  When someone has a low-grade depression or anxiety that they medicate, they are often unable to do the internal work necessary for mental health and even life fulfillment. 
 
If medicated we might not be able to process our repressed feelings (due to them being numbed by medication), learn self-care, take responsibility, and move past the mood issue. We may unnecessarily be on medication the rest of their lives (along with the potential toxic side effects). 
 
If a person is over-medicated they can sometimes even exhibit exacerbated symptoms.  I once knew a man who was diagnosed with schizophrenia.  This man was seeing a therapist and making painfully slow progress.   He barely left his house, slurred when he spoke, and had no friends.  I lost touch with the man and ran into him years later—shocked to see him appearing entirely normal in his affect and behavior.  When I asked him how he did it he said, “I came off all that medication.” 
 
The basis for neurosis is the constant unconscious or conscious repression of our feelings.  Mental health cannot truly occur until we face and accept all the uncomfortable feelings we medicate. Some people will be up to the challenge, others will not—and maybe should not if they don’t have the willingness to do the work and get the support they need.
 
With the help of a professional you can decide if medication is right for you, if you should do the work of therapy, or if its time to do both. 

Sometimes people are depressed because they are not writing, dancing, singing, acting, starting a business, or fulfilling themselves in other ways they find meaningful.  Should they be medicated?  It might be better to find that thing that will put them back on track with their lives. 
 
Sir Ken Robinson takes up this issue in his famous Ted Talk on Creativity.

Take a look:
 

You Are Not Helpless

A lot of people who follow politics and world events experience depression and helplessness.  A certain amount of this suffering may be thought of as healthy—that is, there may be real concern for the planet, the economy, the safety of themselves and others, and the stability of future generations. Being concerned, worried, frightened, etc., is not always a sign of mental illness.  It can be a sign of awareness.  For instance, if you are walking down a dark alley in a sketchy part of New York and experiencing anxiety, that might be a healthy, self-preserving voice saying, “Get out of the alley!”    

Learned helplessness is a deeper, more problematic version of suffering.  Learned helplessness is a term used in psychology to identify a perception in a person’s mind that leads them to believe that they are helpless to effect significant change in their life when faced with challenges.  The person suffering from learned helplessness tends to blame the outside world for their problems.  They often feel like a victim, become paralyzed in the face of decision-making, have little ability to problem solve big issues, etc.  This can lead to a myriad of issues. They can be long suffering under the “safe” umbrella of a corporate job. They may often suffer from what’s called analysis paralysis - continually weighing the pros and cons of a decision so long they take no action. They can idle in fear of making the wrong decision while opportunties pass them by. Depression, isolation, withdrawal, substance abuse, or passivity my rear their ugly heads when a person with learned helplessness is faced with the need for change. 

Learned helplessness is learned—usually from a repeated pattern of abuse or neglect early on. When a child is not given the ability to make any of their own choices, if they are severely criticized when making mistakes, if they are abused or abandoned - they learn that they have an“external locus of control” in their life.  That is, their ability to exercise control when faced with challenges is outside of themselves (i.e. first located in the parents and later in the outside world).  They come to believe that they are helpless—that life is happening to them from the outside world, not through their own decision-making and efforts.   

These people often complain about how others are “taking their job,” or “getting all the breaks.”  They exert little effort for change, take few risks, fee stuck in depression and stagnation, compulsively play the lottery or gamble to “strike it rich”, hope to be saved, etc.   

The classic image of learned helplessness is the image of the caged bird.  Having grown up in the cage the bird comes to believe there is no hope of flying.  One day the cage is opened.  The bird, trained to be helpless, stays in the cage thinking it has no other choice. Many of us are in a cage with the door open wondering how we can escape.      

The positive side of having an “external locus of control” is that these same people will often share their successes with the efforts of others on a team effort. They are able to see others abilities and bless their efforts, they can be humble when they achieve goals.   

A person with an “internal locus of control” believes that their life is essentially an effect of their own efforts and talents.  These people tend to be supported in their decision making in childhood. They are often encouraged to make age appropriate decisions, they are supported to try again in the face of mistakes, they are allowed to explore beyond the family in a safe way.  People with an “internal locus of control” believe their life is created through them, not to them. They tend to be self-starters, don’t complain about others, and take a hundred percent responsibility for their lives.  As a result, their lives tend to be more productive and satisfying.  When they are faced with a challenge their thinking is more along the lines of, “What did I do wrong, and what do I need to do to change this?” Their anxieties tend to be put into action.  

The music producer and co-founder of DreamWorks, David Geffen, says that as a child is mother told him he had hands of gold and that he could do anything. She called him, “King David.”  The film director Orson Wells reports that his parents said everything he did was wonderful, better than they had seen anyone do before him.  The enslaved Harriet Tubman somehow believed she could still master her own life and was a founding member of the underground railroad to freedom. When Oprah Winfrey was told by her grandmother to watch her do laundry because one day she too would be maid Oprah says she quietly thought, “No, I’ll never be a maid.” All these people entered the world with an internal locus of power believing they could create what they wanted through their own efforts.  

The shadow side of someone with an internal locus of control is that they can be narcissistic or self-negating.  They may believe their team won or lost solely because of them.  They can downplay the efforts of others. The are often overly critical of themselves even when events are outside of their control.    

While we need personality traits that come from both the internal and external locus of controls, people with learned helplessness (having an external locus of control) tend to suffer more in life. They are often in need of getting the help, support, and nurturing they missed in childhood to reclaim their power. 

Even if brought up with learned helplessness we can shift the locus of control from outer to inner. We might get involved in organizations, marches, or actions that help us feel empowered. We might go back to school, risk starting a buisness, take an art or acting class.  Even small actions such as giving donations can help the psychological feeling of having power to influence our own thinking and world.  

If you suffer from learned helplessness it is nothing to be ashamed of.  It is a wound, not an irreparable damage (which you may believe from a  helpless mind set!).  You can find the help you need in therapy, support groups, reframing your thinking, taking small risks, and being encouraged to reclaim your power. 

In her book, Feel The Fear and Do it Anyway, Susan Jeffers writes that at the bottom of every great fear is the belief that “I can’t handle this.”  She advocates that, no matter what the challenge, begin with telling yourself, “I can handle it.” 

While we all have both internal and external beliefs about where our locus of control is in life, we tend to default to one or the other in the face of challenges. Below is an explanation of how this may affect your work life.

Take a look:

There's Nothing Wrong With You

All of us have trauma we carry from childhood.  We may have been adopted, left alone too much, from an alcoholic family, from smothering parents, the child of a divorce, an abusive family, a poor family, a drug addicted family, parents that valued money more than love, we may have had no family–having been passed around multiple foster homes, a homophobic family, a neglectful family . . . the list goes on. 

As John Bradshaw, author of Homecoming, reminds us, “All families are dysfunctional to some degree.”

As a reality check, if you made it to adulthood and are reading this, your family also had a lot of stability and love.  They should be honored for their gifts as much as questioned for their shortcomings.

When we internalize our family’s dysfunction, we come away with a core belief that, “something is wrong with me,” or, “I’m not enough”- not smart enough, good looking enough, athletic enough, talented enough, rich enough, outgoing enough, intelligent enough, black enough, white enough, tough enough, etc.

This “not enough” belief is also full of should stories. “I should be better, better looking, faster, smarter, more disciplined, more relaxed. I should be funny, white, straight, tall, sexier, shorter, heavier, thinner, cooler.”  This internal story goes on to conclude that if I achieve what I “should be” then I’ll finally be “enough.” 

Together these beliefs and stories set up a no-win situation in our minds and the way we live our lives:  A belief that I’m not good enough but will be enough when I fulfill my corresponding “should story,” leaves me in endless catch 22 situations—never feeling enough, but always believing it is just around the corner when I meet another goal of the “should story.”   As a result I can suffer from depression, anxiety, and fears of all kinds.  The resulting dilemma is an inner psychological construct with a voice that tells us to seek full acceptance and love, but never find it.

For example, say my story is that I’m not enough because I don’t have money but I will be enough if I become rich.  Low and behold I make it— I become rich.  While this will act as a panacea for a short time, because I was trying to compensate for a lie to begin with, it won’t fix the core problem—the mistaken belief that something is wrong with me and it needs to be fixed. 

 Remember, there is nothing is wrong with you! 

Your value as a human being is innate.  There is nothing you need to do outside of yourself to achieve it. This is why we are so drawn to observe children and their innocent, open hearted approach to themselves and others.  They have yet to learn any stories about being not good enough.  They are expressing their true nature, something most of us have lost touch with. 

The movie Citizen Kane is a story of a man who gained money and power to compensate for being abandoned in childhood (all children conclude that the reason they are left or abandoned by parents is that they are somehow not good enough.)    When the character of Kane achieves great wealth and fame he feels great importance for a time in his life.  However, he eventually falls into despair, realizing his solution didn’t work to cure the underlying sense of loneliness, fear, and being “not enough.”

There are many solutions to this dilemma.  Self-Compassion and Mindfulness are two great methods (see previous blogs).  Many of us also need a Psychodynamic approach – being mirrored by another person with unconditional acceptance. 

One goal in therapy is to develop an unconditional positive regard for ourselves.  When this is achieved we heal and return to the open heartedness of childhood—but this time with the maturity of an adult.

These internal “not enough stories” can be extraordinarily persistent—leading us into deep despair, doubt, addictions, and ongoing relationship issues. 

If we don’t get help with our “not enough stories”, we may spend our entire lives unconsciously avoiding the actual solution to genuine happiness—as is told in Citizen Kane.

Is your belief of being “not enough” holding you back?  Are you stuck in self-doubt, relying on an addiction, keeping yourself endlessly occupied with work, money issues, parenting duties, internet, talking, business, entertainment, etc.—so as not to feel the underlying emptiness? It is very normal to have this internal drama. Everyone I have met has some version of it.  The courage to get help can be all it takes to break through to your authentic life, and your authentic happiness.  
 

As Blaise Pascal, a French philosopher once famously said,  “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”  

We can suffer many abandonments early on.  John Bradshaw writes at great length about the “abandoned child” inside of us—the one who didn’t’ get the attention, safety, love, admiration, nurturing, or encouragement they needed when they were at their most vulnerable. 

In Citizen Kane, two scenes, one in the beginning of the film, and one at the end, exemplify the abandonment issue the central character suffers from throughout his life. After his parents abandon him early on, he internalizes a belief of being “not good enough.”  He then spends his life trying to prove to others that he is “enough.”   The only problem is that, while he attains more success than anyone around him, he never faces the internal pain.  As a result, it festers like an unattended wound.  

Kane looks in all the wrong places to find his worth—to money, women, power, etc.— but he never takes the deep journey inside, through the pain and back to the authentic, joyful, “inner child” who was left so early on.  

When after all his attempts fail and his wife leaves him, triggering the deep unresolved abandonment wound, and "not enough" issue, he has a nervous break down. 

 That is, he seeks for love, but does not find it. 

Take a look:

BE A REAL MAN

BE A REAL MAN

What the hell does that mean—be a real man?  Historically it has meant things like: sacrifice yourself, take care of others, don’t feel, be competitive, win don’t lose, destroy your opponent, don’t trust, go numb in the face of pain, and above all, don’t be vulnerable. It often included being hard drinking, hard fighting, and promiscuous. 

With Robert Bly’s groundbreaking book, Iron John, that kind of definition was drawn into serious question. Bly started men on a path of examining the value of their father’s way of being, and why they themselves felt so adrift, lonely, and lost as men. 

Bly states that a boy needs to see his father, spend time with him, and witness the father’s work.  When the father leaves in the morning, comes home late, is irritable or abusive from an inability to deal with the demands put on him, and retreats from the family—the son is lost.  A hole opens in the son’s psyche and fills with suspicion about who men are and what he is to become. 

Bly goes on to say that women have tried to compensate for the lack of the father to no avail.  They can’t do it.  Why?  Because they’re women, not men.  The mother has an opposite role of the father.  Her role is to take in, nurture and protect the son in kind of safe, soft, loving embrace.  The father’s role is to transmit a different kind of love.  The father’s love is direct, assertive, loving, but with an edge that teaches the son to cut away from the dependency bonds of the mother and to come into his own powers as a man.  Both are equally valuable, but with the advent of the industrial and information ages, the distance between father and son has become so great, the father’s teachings often get lost.  

Bly goes on to explain that a kind of psychic food passes from father to son when they spend time together in a safe, committed way.  The son learns to trust his masculinity, his ability to problem solve and make decisions, and his healthy warrior—a ferocity that is both nurturing and empowering. 

When the father is absent or dangerous or both, the son tends to cling to the “mother’s world”, the only place of safety.  This leaves the son in a terrible state, unable to move forward, and without the help he needs to “break out of the mother’s orbit and enter the world of men.”  He may remain a child in many ways: unable to make decisions, staying near the family when he has opportunities to make his own way, feeling perpetually victimized, lacking the steel in his character that will help him cut through the difficulties of life, falling into addictions of all kinds, etc.

Historically tribal cultures understood not only the need for the fathers at home, but the necessity of ritual to inform the son of how to transition from boyhood to manhood. Boys would be taken away from their mothers to islands where they were initiated into the society of men. 

Without these rituals many men are stunted in their psychological development. The shadow side of this inability to develop can be deeply dangerous: dictators, corporate executives who ignore the environment (the Dakota Pipeline comes to mind), addicts, wall street bankers who gamble with the nation’s economy, and war mongers are just a few examples of the kind of men who come about when not given the help to access their mature masculinity.  In essence, they are frustrated, scared children in adult bodies. 

Another form this lack of ritual can take is what Bly calls, the "soft man."  This man is overly sensitive, afraid to assertive himself, and compassionate with others to the point of  impotentence.  He lacks the reslove, steel, and fierceness of the warrior.  He often regards anger as dangerous and is quick to sacrifice himself.  He might ask the question, "Why don't I get what I want when I'm so nice to everyone?"  

Today men are getting smarter.  Men’s retreats are being held throughout the world to help men repair and regain the lost teachings of their fathers.  In these retreats men learn to trust the love of men, to risk with each other, to regain their warrior spirit, and to honor the earth.   Bly himself did these retreats for many years in Minnesota.  Today Mankind Project (mankindproject.org) leads retreats and offers ongoing support for men who are struggling to make their way in the world.   Therapy can be a way to regain the teachings of men, especially group therapy.  Below is an interview done by Bill Moyers (a man with mature masculinity as a journalist) with Robert Bly.

Take a look:  

YOU ARE A HERO

Picking up on last week’s post, lets explore what Joseph Campbell meant when he said we are all on the “Hero’s Journey.”  Campbell coined the term Hero's Journey after studying myths from cultures around the world.  He found that all cultures explain the challenges, pitfalls, and accomplishments of life as being essentially the same.  
 
The Hero’s Journey through life has challenges that we will either meet and overcome, or we will meet and be defeated by.  It does not matter how small you think your life is.  Campbell says that Einstein, Joan of Arc, a shoe salesman, and a garbage collector are all on the same Hero’s Journey. 
 
The Hero’s Journey is not a one-time trip.  We all have a journey to leave the world of dependency and create our own independent life (or remain forever adolescent in our approach to adult living—the “eternal child syndrome”).  We sometimes have a Hero’s Journey through the long, painful road out of an addiction (or as they say in recovery circles—end up in death, jails, or institutions having been defeated by the challenge.)  We have a Hero’s Journey into our life’s authentic work—that which brings us fulfillment, accomplishment, and contribution (or we end up defeated and embittered in a dead end job, feeling trapped in work we took up solely for money, or without work at all.) We may have the Hero’s Journey of raising children successfully (or in the tragedy of abandoning our children after bringing them into the world). 
 
We could have the journey into marriage, creating a business, entering a spiritual discipline, or starting a charity.  Every major life adventure has the qualities of what Campbell calls, The Hero’s Journey.  Often times the journey is more internal than external.  You may suffer in a challenging marriage, or resist relationship altogether.  You might be secretly in dire financial trouble, or struggling to get a business off the ground.  The doubt, fear, courage, risk taking, and help we experience on the journey are all under our influence.  How we manage them will determine how our journey turns out. 
 
The journey has specific stages.  Let’s use Star Wars, a classic story of the Hero’s Journey, to outline the stages Campbell defined:
 
1. Ordinary Life:  Our day-to-day life that feels safe but unchallenging.  Luke is initially living a mundane day-to-day existence.  He wants to be a pilot but clings his known, safe home. 
 
2. Call to Adventure: The hero is faced with something that calls him to begin his adventure.  Luke finds a holograph message in R2D2 from Princess Leia asking for help.
 
3. Refusal of the Call:  The hero attempts to refuse the adventure because he is afraid.  Luke’s initial reaction is to say “Look I can’t get involved.  I’ve got work to do.  It’s not that I like the Empire.  I hate it, but there’s nothing I can do about it right now.” 
 
4. Meeting with the Mentor:  The hero encounters someone who can give him advice and ready him for the journey ahead.  Luke meets Obi-Wan Kenobi who shows him his father’s light saber and eventually acts as his mentor. (In the next film he also meets Yoda as a mentor / guide).
 
5. Crossing the Threshold:  The hero leaves his ordinary world for the first time and crosses the threshold into adventure. Luke’s aunt and uncle are killed and he leaves to help Princess Leia.  His first stop is Mos Eisley’s Cantina where he sees characters from across the galaxy that have been into the far reaches of their own journeys.
 
6. Test, Allies, Enemies:  The hero learns the rules of his new world. During this time, he endures tests of strength of will, meets friends, and comes face to face with foes.  Luke meets allies Han Solo and Chewbacca. When he tries to leave the planet Tatooine, storm troopers attempt to stop him.  He succeeds in his escape and is on the way to Alderaan.
 
7. Approach:  Setbacks occur, sometimes causing the hero to try a new approach or adopt new ideas.  Luke discovers that Alderaan has been destroyed.  It has been replaced by The Death Star.  Fear and doubt return.  Luke:  “I have a bad feeling about this.”
 
8. Ordeal: The hero experiences a major hurdle or obstacle, such as a life or death crisis.  Luke rescues Princess Leia but witnesses the death of Obi-Wan in the fight.
 
9. Reward:  After surviving death, the hero earns his reward or accomplishes his goal. Luke emerges from his ordeal as an adult hero and joins the rebel fleet as a pilot.
 
10. The Road Back:  The hero begins his journey back to ordinary life.  Luke has a way back to normalcy by leaving the upcoming conflict and escaping with Hans Solo.   He decides to join the rebellion.
 
11. Resurrection Hero:  The hero faces a final test that brings all he has learned to his life challenge. Luke destroys the Death Star in a climactic battle. He learns to trust The Force and comes into his own powers. 
 
12. Return with Elixir:  The hero brings his knowledge back to the ordinary world where he applies it to help all who remain. Luke returns, is celebrated in a ceremony, and gives hope to his community that they will survive the Empire with fighters like him.
 
 
The story of the Hero’s Journey is told over and over in our culture.   Your life, as much as anyone else’s, is an example of either the triumphs or the pitfalls of your own Hero’s Journey. It is hard wiring we are all born with.  In fact, your journey from embryo to birth is your first Hero’s journey (and a journey for the mother). 
 
If you feel at a loss about the importance or success of your own Hero’s Journey, perhaps you are stuck in the stage of Resisting the Call.  Is there a book you are resisting writing?  Is there a job you should be going for?  Are you holding back from asking her to marry you?  Are you afraid to let go of a high paying job to enter your true calling?  Is it time to move? Are you wallowing in an addiction and resisting getting help? 
 
Help is available for you in many forms to progress on your journey.   Therapists, sponsors, business mentors, coaches—what kind of help or mentorship do you need to move into your full journey? 
 
We are all on the Hero’s Journey whether we want to admit it or not.  That is why Hollywood keeps telling the same stories in different forms such as The Wizard of Oz, Harry Potter, or Star Wars— and why we resonate with them.
 
Check out this link and you’ll see what I mean:

You Are In Star Wars

Carl Jung, a Swiss psychologist and protégé of Sigmund Freud, broke with Freud when he presented the idea that we all draw our awareness from a “collective unconscious.”  In essence, according to Jung, while it seems we have separate minds, we are actually all part of one universal mind.  Within this one mind he stipulated that we share archetypes. 

Archetypes are universally shared ideas, patterns of thought or images. These energies are at play in our consciousness and up to us to harness and utilize in an effective way to bring about our destiny and self-actualization.

While we all have each of the twelve major archetypes within us as part of the collective unconscious, some archetypes play a major role in our personality while others remain in a relatively minor capacity.  Which ones play a major role in your personality?  The 12 major archetypes in Jungian psychology are:

The Innocent:  The Innocent is naïve and childlike.  Its motto is:  be free to be you and I’ll be free to be me.  Goal: be happy and enter paradise. Fear:  being wrong and being punished.  The Innocent tries to do everything right as a way of feeling safe. Weakness: it can be boring in its simplicity.   Talents:  faith and optimism. Examples: R2D2, The Doorman, The Car Washer, The Waiter, The Bartender.  Innocents tend to play simple but important roles in society relieving the seriousness of life and bringing childlike wisdom to it. They rarely become famous due to their low-key nature.  Being There was a 1979 Peter Sellers movie in which he plays an Innocent whose occupation is that of a gardener.  The character turns out to be Christ-like figure advising the U.S. president. 

The Orphan:  Motto—All people are created equal.  Goal:  belonging.  Fear: abandonment, being left out, standing alone in a crowd. Strategy: develop ordinary, solid virtues, be down to earth, and have a common touch.  Weakness:  blending in for the sake of superficial relationships. Strength: realism, empathy, and lack of pretense. Examples:  Harry Potter, The Lion King, Luke Skywalker, and Oliver Twist….another famous orphan liked baseball:  Babe Ruth. 

The Warrior:  Motto—Where there’s a will, there’s a way.  Core desire:  Prove worth through acts of courage.  Goal: mastery in a way that improves the world.  Fear: weakness, vulnerability, being viewed as afraid.  Strategy:  be as strong as possible. Examples:  Lawyers, Hilary Clinton, Luke Skywalker, President Obama, Princess Leia, Steven Spielberg, Oprah, Harvey Milk, David Geffen, and Nelson Mandela. 

 The Caregiver:  Motto—Love your neighbor as yourself.  Core desire:  to protect and care for others. Goal: help others. Great Fear: selfishness, ingratitude.  Strategy: doing things for others.  Weakness: martyrdom and being taken advantage of by others. Examples:  C-3PO, Chewbacca, Mother Theresa, Nurses, Doctors, Social Workers, and Martin Luther King.

The Explorer:  Motto—Don’t fence me in.  Core desire: freedom to find out who I am through exploration. Goal: experience a better, more fulfilling life.  Fear: being trapped, conforming, inner emptiness.  Strategy:  journey, seeking out and experiencing new things, escape from boredom.  Weakness: aimless wandering, becoming a misfit.  Talent:  autonomy, ambition, being true to self.  Examples:  Han Solo, Astronauts, Amelia Earhart, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jacques Cousteau.

The Rebel:  Motto—Rules are made to be broken.  Core desire: revenge or revolution.  Goal: to overturn what isn’t working.  Greatest fear: to be ineffectual or powerless.  Strategy: disrupt, destroy, or shock.  Weakness: crossing over to the dark side.  Talent: outrageousness, radical freedom.  Examples:  Luke Skywalker (and the “Rebel Alliance”), Darth Vader, Fidel Castro, Muhammad Ali, the Arab spring.

The Lover: Motto—you’re the only one.  Desire:  intimacy and experience. Goal: being in relationship with the people, work, and surroundings they love.  Fear:  being alone, unwanted, unloved.  Weakness: pleasing others while at risk of losing own identity.  Talent:  passion, appreciation, gratitude, commitment.  Examples:  Florists, Bakers, Mothers, Princess Leia, Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter, The Phantom from Phantom of The Opera, Glen Close in a shadow form of the Lover in the movie, Fatal Attraction. 

The Creator:  Motto—If you can imagine it, it can be done.  Core desire:  create things of enduring value.  Goal: realize a vision.  Greatest fear:  mediocre vision of execution. Strategy: develop artistic control and skill.  Task: create culture, express vision.  Weakness:  perfectionism, bad solutions.  Examples: Steve Jobs, Henry Ford, Picasso, George Lucas, people developing new Apps, artists of all kinds.

The Fool:  Motto—You only live once.  Core desire: live in the moment and enjoy life. Goal: have a great time and lighten the world.  Fear:  being boring or bored.  Strategy:  play, make jokes, and be funny.  Weakness:  frivolity, wasting time.  Talent: joy. Examples:  Jar Jar Binks, Robin Williams, Pee Wee Herman, Sarah Silverman, Joan Rivers, your friend whose always making fun of your seriousness.

The Sage:  Motto—The truth will set you free.  Core desire: to find the truth.  Goal:  use intelligence and analysis to understand the world.  Biggest Fear:  being duped, mislead, or being ignorant.  Strategy:  seeking out information and knowledge, self-reflection.  Weakness:  can study details forever and never act.  Talent:  wisdom.  Examples:  Yoda, Obi Wan Kenobi, Einstein, Albus Dumbledore, Aristotle, any number of homeless philosophers mumbling in the streets. 

The Magician:  Motto—I make things happen.  Core desire: understanding the fundamental laws of the universe.  Goal: to make dreams come true.  Fear:  unintended negative consequences.  Strategy:  develop a vision and live by it.  Weakness:  becoming manipulative.  Talent: finding win-win solutions.  Examples: Emperor Palpatine (shadow), Carl Jung, therapists, shamans, doctors, Nikolas Tesla, the creators of the atomic bomb (shadow Magician). 

The Ruler:  Motto—Power is the only thing.  Core desire: control.  Goal: creates a prosperous family or community.  Strategy:  exercise power.  Fear: chaos, being overthrown.  Weakness:  authoritarian, tyrannical.  Talent: responsibility, leadership.  Examples:  Pres. Obama, Fidel Castro, Darth Vader, Corporate executives, Mark Zuckerberg, Donald Trump, Saddam Hussein. 

 As you recognize your primary archetypes, what others remain undeveloped?  Is your Ruler too tyrannical?  Do you need to give the Lover more time in your life to balance the Ruler?  Is your Caregiver too self-sacrificing?  Do you need to develop more Warrior energy to assert yourself?  Is life stagnated?  Do you need to feed the Creator or Explorer in order to expand?  Each of us shares all archetypes from the collective unconscious.  Understanding which are strong, which are weak, and which are in shadow (destructive form) can help to understand how to better organize your approach to healing, achievement, and fulfillment.

George Lucas famously incorporated archetypes from Jungian psychology and the work of Joseph Campbell (a friend of Jung and author of The Power of Myth) into his Star Wars saga. 

There was a recent app on Facebook that, if you entered in your character traits, would identify what character you would be from Star Wars.  That is, it would tell you what your primary archetype is.

Below is a clip from Star Wars where Campbell reflects on the archetypes and what he coined, the “Hero’s Journey”— a psychological journey through the archetypes we all must either choose to take, or refuse to take—and go to the “dark side” (i.e. the shadow form of the archetypes).  Will you be Luke Skywalker and take the journey, or refuse and end up holding hands with Darth Vader?

 Check it out: