MOVIE THERAPY

Movies can help us work through shame.  Shame is a deep thing.   When we internalize rejection, abuse, or neglect, we end up with toxic, shame based beliefs. Shame can bind us in deep seeded negative beliefs about our worth, sexuality, money, career, value in relationships, and just about anything else we deal with in life.  Shame is at the root of most addictions, clinical depressions and anxiety disorders. 

Toxic shame leads us to have a “shame based identity”.  This identity doesn't say that what we did was bad, it says that we "are bad."  It can be so painful that we develop defenses or a “false self” to cope with it.  All addicts are shame based—using their addiction to medicate self-hatred and hide from being vulnerable to others.  Many passive people have shame-based identities.  They hide from the world, secretly thinking of themselves as “losers.”  The people who crashed the economy in 2008 were shame based—knowingly sacrificing the health of the economy from a greedy, shame based identity that abuses money to make up for feeling small or less than. 

So what’s all this have to do with movies?  Movie Therapy is simply the act or using movies to alleviate shame, normalize our pain, know we are not alone, break through defenses, cry, laugh, help process, and create psychological distance between who I am and the pain I’m experiencing. 

Laughter can create this distance and enhance our sense of well being. Laughter decreases stress and has even been proven to enhance the immune system.  When we don’t take life too seriously we can lighten up enough to have the clarity we need for right decision making.  Shame walks hand in hand with over personalizing and heavy self-judgment.  Laughter can release us from these heavy “shame binds.”  Recommendations:  Office Space, Yes Man, Swingers, Annie Hall, The Birdcage, Monty Python and The Holy Grail, What About Bob, Analyze This, Trick.

Many people, especially men, carry shame around crying.  They see crying as weak, or being out of control.  Crying is often the healthiest thing we can do to process and release pain.  I’ve had many people tell me the only place they cry is at the movies. Researchers have found two important neurotransmitters in tears that release emotional stress (leucine-enkephaline, and prolactin—which is released form the pituitary).  Who doesn’t feel better after a good cry?  Recommendations:  The Color Purple, Bridges of Madison County, Rudy, Terms of Endearment, Finding Neverland.

Normalizing pain is central to working through shame.  Feeling alone in our pain compounds it on every level.  Almost all movies we relate to help us normalize our struggles. In the wonderful movie, Ordinary People, the title says it all. The film tells the story of a pretty on the outside, suburban family, struggling tragically with their pain behind closed doors.  The film helped people from all walks of life see their family dramas as more “Ordinary”, easing the associated shame that kept them in hiding.

Hopelessness and helplessness are two key factors in clinical depression.  Overcoming obstacles and gaining hope is a theme of many movies.  In identifying with characters that are hopeless, and watching them overcome their struggles, a viewer can gain optimism for their ability to work through life challenges.  Recommendations:   Castaway, Apollo 13, Chocolat, Rocky, Invincible, Miracle, The Shawshank Redemption, Billy Elliot, Philomena, Harold and Maude, Wild. 

To be fair, many films do more harm than good and should likely be avoided for mental health reasons. The Exorcist had audience members throwing up, feeling paranoid, and experiencing nightmares as a result of watching the satanic flick.  Movie are also not a mental health panacea.  They don't cure us. They are often wildly over valued for their capacity for change and for their importance in an entertainment addicted society.  Still, they can be a useful psychological tool when related to in a conscious way. 

In their best sense, movies are the myths of today.  They are our version of the mythological stories told around tribal fires.  They help us relate to each other, and give us something to reference in our communication.  “It was like in that movie...”  Some films describe the struggles we all face on “The Hero’s Journey”, as depicted by Joseph Campbell. (see the You Are A Hero, and, You Are in Star Wars blogs). 

In depth psychology films are a tool to open up communication between a person’s unconscious and conscious minds.  This  happens when a viewer watches a movie character struggling with the disowned, repressed “shadow material” of the viewer.  For instance, a depressed single parent who denies the rage they feel about the demands of raising a child on their own might address the anger more directly after viewing The Goodbye Girl, Paper Moon, or Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore.

What movies have helped you break out of isolation, open up communication, feel less alone, and given you hope?  In this Bridesmaids scene Annie learns that self-pity is the road to hell, that courage is the way out, and that she has a friend.  Enjoy:

THE SOUND OF MUSIC

The idea that music heals can sound like a nicety reserved for flowery Hallmark cards and sugary sweet holidays.  Mozart, The Beatles, Dylan, Beethoven, Miles Davis, Florence Welch, Tupac, Maria Callas, Ray Charles, Bassnectar, Stevie Wonder, and Alanis Morrisette might have a different idea about the healing power of music— so do music therapists.

Formal music therapy began with a few generous souls looking to help veterans. After World Wars I and II musicians began going into veteran hospitals to play for soldiers suffering from the mental and physical ravages of war.  The patients' marked improvement physically and mentally lead hospitals to start requesting musicians to come in regularly.  However, it was soon understood that musicians needed formal training for interacting with the vets.  In 1944 the first music therapy degree program was started at Michigan State University (my alma mater!)

Music therapy has come a long way.  A certified music therapist now assesses emotional well-being, physical health, social functioning, communication abilities, and cognitive skills through musical responses.  The therapist will design music sessions for individuals and groups based on client needs. The therapist uses music improvisation, receptive music listening, song writing, lyric discussion, music and imagery, music performance, and learning through music. While traditional therapy uses talk to achieve therapeutic goals, a music therapist utilizes music to achieve therapeutic goals—not musical goals. 

Consider all the ways the brain has to work to translate music:  it must register melody, rhythm, words, harmony, tempo, timbre, dynamics, and form. Further, the brain is involved in memory, emotion, participation type (active or passive), and familiarity.   The brain is processing all of these things at once.

As a result, music can be used to aid a patient’s recovery in multiple ways.  A stroke victim might be taught to use rhythmic auditory stimulation to help them walk.  The patient follows a beat, which their brain will then entrain and teach their feet to follow—that is, walk properly.  Music is also used to facilitate communication with autistic children.  The lyrics of songs can be utilized to help psychiatric patients understand coping skills.  Music therapy is used for stress reduction via music making such as in drumming, singing, etc.  Stress is also relieved with passive listening.

Music can ease loneliness— letting us know that others suffer the same pain we do. It can serve as a form of motivation, an expression of repressed anger, a way to form social bonds, and help us experience love.  Music can be used to alleviate depression, soothe anxiety, and, for some, access the spiritual dimension of life. 

The soulfulness of rhythm and blues started in church with gospel music. Gospel was a way for the African American community to come together, heal from the oppression of racism, and express their love of God.

In the inner city rap music serves as a platform to speak out against the oppressive forces of poverty. While much of the music has been criticized as violent, misogynistic, and homophobic, rap has also served to join communities, uplift people, and give individuals a passionate career. 

By now the 60’s music of Woodstock has long been understood as a way the Vietnam War was protested and people came together to heal.

Kirtan music is played to express spiritual ideals. It is often performed in a call and response form with the audience to elicit states of deep meditation, joining, and ecstasy. 

Drumming circles are used to ground people and release anxiety.  They were commonly utilized by tribes to counter the tension of the full moon.  A full moon not only pulls on the tides of the oceans, it  pulls on the water in our bodies—triggering glands and emotions, bringing out the “werewolf” in people. Police forces have long put more cops on the beat during the full moon.

I’ve heard many people repeat the phrase, “Music saved my life.” How do you access music to balance emotions and heal your life?

Below a high priestess musician, Florence Welch, of Florence & The Machine, tends to a patient in the first video and leads a crowd in a rain dance in the second.  She tells them both  that its ok to let go of pain, rejoice, and proclaim, The Dog Days Are Over. I dare you not to be healed, just a little:    

PUPPY LOVE

They’ve been called angels who’ve come down to Earth to help us, best friends, seeing eyes, family members—even a reason to live. For those who have pets the love and companionship they supply is something few can deny.  

Interacting with, petting, and caring for animals has been shown to release oxytocin in the bloodstream, the feel good hormone.  Pets have been said to absorb and disperse negativity in a person's environment.  Can anyone argue that they haven’t felt better after hugging their dog or cat?  A friend who got a dog right after a terrible break up said, “Its weird.  I’m trying to be sad about losing the relationship but this dog is so happy I can’t feel sorry for myself.” 

Animals are being used more often as agents of emotional and psychological healing.  It’s not just that they can be good at cuddling— they are good at helping us heal our minds.  Today a “support animal” is common.  Animals are registered to go with those suffering from trauma into public spaces to provide an “attachment object”—a being we are attached to that provides a sense of safety and security. 

By now most of us have seen the plethora of Youtube videos made by military personnel who bonded with a dog in war torn areas. The relationship with the dogs help soldiers cope with the horrors of war. Many of these bonds are so strong that soldiers find ways to bring their dogs back to the states.  Dogs are also being used to treat military veterans for PTSD, panic attacks, depression, and loneliness after wars.  As one troubled solider said after getting a therapy dog, "I wouldn't be here without my dog."  

Dogs and cats are the obviously the most popular candidates, but many animals can provide this sense of well-being to their owners.  One friend I have says that reptiles are his passion.  “I forget all my problems when I’m with them.”  He has snakes, lizards and other reptiles in his home.   He goes out to the desert regularly to find his scaly friends under rocks and in hidden nooks.

I even had a roommate who fawned over his pet goldfish, “Pat.”  (Try to stay with me here).  Pat would come to the side of the tank and stare at my roommate when he got home.  It was, well, a little weird.  The day Pat died I was taken aback.  I thought my roommate had always sort of faked his loving attachment to the tiny fish as a kind of joke.  It wasn’t.  He was visibly shaken by the loss. 

In twelve step recovery the recommendation for healing relationship issues is to first get a plant.  If the plant doesn’t die the addict can get a pet.  If they can handle having a pet, they can then consider dating. 

Equine Assisted Psychotherapy is a form of therapy utilizing horses.  “Therapeutic Riding” is used to mentally and physically stimulate disabled persons and help them improve their lives through increased balance and coordination, raising self-confidence, and a greater feeling of freedom and independence.  

Using dogs in clinical settings has been shown to reduce stress, increase rapport, help clients  become more cognizant of emotional reactions, and support resiliency in individual and group sessions. Counselors who specialize in working with children or individuals with disabilities find that dogs can be used in building rapport, working on specific goals, physical skills, and social interactions.  People who feel ostracized due to sexual preferences, religious or ethnic prejudices, etc., often find dogs to be a form of love, attention, and acceptance that is not widely available to them.

The elderly are often subject to isolation, depression, anxiety, and loss of purpose in our culture.  Dogs and cats brought into nursing homes have been shown to lower blood pressure, alleviate depression and anxiety, increase socialization, and give elderly people a sense of meaning in caring for the animals.  Kittens in need of care have been brought into the Catalina Springs Memory Care facility for elderly people with dementia. Caring for the kittens has helped patients improve their memory, uplift their mood, and give them a sense of purpose.  One man, who rarely interacted or left his room, now feeds and cares for the kittens.  He then puts one under each arm and says, "Its time for a walk."  

Pets are also used in hospitals by trained personnel to combat fatigue, isolation, and depression.  Hospitals are now allowing a patient’s pet from home to visit as a way of increasing their morale. 

Author Eckhart Tolle says that when a pet looks at you it is not thinking.  It is completely accepting. This acceptance allows you to access the deepest part of you—which is a place of love and joy normally covered over by the negative thinking of the mind. 

Some people  have closer relationships with their pets than with other humans.  I’ve heard people say that when their dog died they grieved more than when some family members had passed away.  The “queen of mean,” Leona Helmsley, famously left her beloved dog “Trouble” twelve million dollars.  Apparently the dog provided a form of love Miss Helmsley could only get from the four-legged friend. 

How is your animal love these days?  If you don’t want to own pets, there are ways to foster animals looking for a home, volunteer with pets, and make animals a part of your mental / emotional well being.

I recently saw a bumper sticker for a pet rescue center.  The sticker was of a paw.  On the paw it said, "Who Rescues Who?"

Below, some military personnel get a helping paw:  

THE TRIBAL ANTI-DEPRESSION RECIPE

Depression has become pandemic in the modern industrial age. We often experience the competition, income disparity, fast food laden, sedentary, screen addicted, and isolated lifestyle of our “advanced culture” as a real drag.  This lifestyle has put our brains into a “runaway stress response.”  Our brains can easily get over activated into a flight or attack response in every day life.  This stress can actually change the brain physically and make it prone to depression. 

Even with the incredible plethora of anti-depressant drugs, depression in the U.S. has escalated three hundred percent over recent years.  It is the leading mood disorder people seek treatment for and is the driver of over a million suicides each year.

Let’s pause for a second.  We are talking here about clinical depression; that is, chronic depression that leads to ongoing feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and even suicidal ideation or behaviors.  We are not talking about the healthy aspect of depression—the kind that is part of grieving a death, or a depression that is experienced at the end of a significant relationship, depression over political moves that throw millions into financial or health care insecurity, or depression that many felt at the beginning of the Iraq war.  Depression around these kinds of things can be thought of as a sign of mental health, not mental illness.  Depression can be a way of letting go, or of feeling the pain of others. 

Some call neurotic, clinical depression a “disease of civilization.”  Recent research has found that many indigenous tribal cultures have almost non-existent depression.  Though they deal with many difficult life circumstances, they don’t suffer from this crippling mood disorder.  What’s up with that?

Researchers at the University of Kansas determined six major lifestyle differences from tribal people and those of us living in the modern world.  They termed this study TLC, or Therapeutic Life Change. 

Here they are:

Exercise: Tribes don’t exercise.  They live.  Their daily activities provide all the movement their body requires.  We are so sedentary in our modern lives we need to “exercise.”  Getting up and moving is something we have to think about and will ourselves to do— its not built into our lifestyle.  Even thirty minutes of brisk walking three times a week can make a change in brain chemistry where depression is concerned.  Exercise is medicine for your brain— increasing dopamine and serotonin, mental alertness, and circulation. 

Diet:  The brain is made up mostly of fats.  The fats in tribal diet include a balanced amount of Omega 3 and Omega 6 fats with a 1 to 1 ratio. Most of our fats in modern life are Omega 6 fats which are inflammatory to the brain.  An inflamed brain is a depressed brain. Often our modern diets are at a 17 to 1 ratio of Omega 6’s to Omega 3 fatty acids.  Cutting down on Omega 6’s and taking Omega 3 supplements can be a step toward balancing brain chemistry, decreasing inflammation, and improving your mood.

Social Connection:  Per the previous post (see The Roseto Lesson), connecting to others in real time is essential to mental health.  Modern culture can be extremely isolating with people living alone, spending an inordinate amount of time in the “steel coffin” commuting to work, looking at screens, etc.  Tribes live in continual community, connection, and intimacy with one another.  I once talked to a depressed woman who lived in an extraordinarily beautiful home.  She said, “When I moved away from my friends to this house I learned that you can be in the most beautiful place in the world and it means nothing without your friends.” 

Sunlight:  Seasonal depression is now well documented.  When the sun goes away more people get depressed.  Your brain needs sun exposure.  Tribal members spend most of their time outdoors.  We don’t.  With modern housing and office buildings we can spend a huge amount of time indoors.  Normal indoor light does not provide the brain’s need for light exposure.  Regular, daily sun exposure for 30 minutes has been shown to have a significant impact on elevating mood.  For those in cloudy climates a light box (available on Amazon) with a 10,000-lux light rating can be used as a substitute.

Sleep Hygiene:  When you are living outdoors as a tribe member your brain knows when the sun goes down and its time for bed.  Deep REM sleep is essential for your mood. With the advent of modern lighting and electronics, the modern brain does not know when the sun has gone down and its time to start excreting melatonin to prepare for sleep. To remedy this, turn down overhead lighting an hour before bed, get electronics out of the bedroom and shut down an hour before bed, keep the bed only for sleep and sex so your brain associates it with relaxation, and stay away from working night shifts.  Also, try to go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time each day. 

Anti-rumination skills:  Tribe members have little time to ruminate on negative thoughts.  There are things to do, plants to harvest, hunts to go on, water to bring, people to constantly interact with.  In modern society we are often left to alone to ruminate for hours on negative thoughts that spiral out of control.  Interrupting rumination is crucial to avoiding depression.  Writing in a diary can be a basic skill in moving past negative thoughts.  Tapping, Self-Compassion, and Inner child work can also be ways of breaking rumination (see previous posts: Tap Out Your Depression, Have Compassion for Yourself, and You Have a Child).  Shared activity, exercise, or “engaging solo activity” like art and music can be effective ways of breaking rumination.  If nothing else, change your scenery.  Getting into nature can easily break negative thinking. There is actually bacteria present in nature that when inhaled improves the brain’s ability to produce dopamine. 

For more on Therapeutic Lifestyle Change, visit

http://tlc.ku.edu

And check out this TED talk on TLC :

THE ROSETO LESSON: YOU BELONG

Life is a team sport.  We need to belong.  We’re hardwired to be creatures of community.  In modern society isolation is one of the leading causes of mental illness—especially depression and anxiety.  Whether its relationship issues, addictions, depression, anxiety, or any other challenge, most people I treat come to me with some version of the same complaint—“I’m lonely.”  How did we get so isolated in a country of 319 million and counting?  There are a lot of factors. 

As noted in the last post, our culture is big on “rugged individualism” and the idea that we get respect by “going it alone,” “clawing to the top,” “being our own person,” etc.  This sets us up for a lot of fear of each other.  Others are often seen more as competition than as fellow travellers we can rely on in good times and bad times.  

Today, the most famous community group, the family, is often lacking in its ability to offer the kind of deep love, connection, and support members need.  Too often, the family can be just plain toxic. 

Group therapy is a powerful form of reparative therapy.  The group acts as a “family of choice.”  The group replicates the family dynamic to the unconscious, offering an opportunity to repeat the family experience in a healthy, reparative way.  Members learn that they are fully accepted for who they are.  They are supported, encouraged, and loved into a new way of being that starts with a sense of deep acceptance of themselves and connectedness to the other group members.  Members get from the group what their own family was unable to provide.  This can be crucial in their ability to form the kind of life they want.  Without acceptance from a group, many of us feel extreme stress and are even emotionally disabled by an experience of ongoing, self-imposed isolation.

I sometimes get a call from people who have left group therapy asking,  “Can I come back to group?”  Why?  Because good groups can be hard to find. We need the connection groups offer. Community is rarely right out the front door anymore. We have to go looking for it.

The Internet has created more opportunity for connection and more opportunity for isolation.  You can find many places to connect with others on the web.  You can also get into a deluded state of believing that Facebook, Instagram, dating apps, porn, etc., are meeting your social / intimacy needs. They do not.  We need face-to-face communication, intimacy, and love from others to meet the psyche’s needs for human connection.  We need this contact with others who are truly able to communicate, to see us, and to be there for us.

Psychology has come to rely on groups for many healing modalities— the most famous being the twelve-step community of which millions attend every day.  There are incest survivors groups, Al- Anon groups, debtors groups, couples groups, etc. One of the biggest websites to come along in years is Meet Up (meetup.com), offering social groups of all kinds.  It might be said that healing mental illness has as much to do with healing the space between our ears as it does with healing the space between each other. 

Roseto Pennsylvania is an unusual community that was settled in 1912 by Italian immigrants.  The entire community was what author Malcolm Gladwell called Outliers (outside the range of normality).  Roseto was studied by Dr. Stephen Wolf and a sociologist by the name of Bruhn in the 1950’s when they were told almost no one in the town was treated for heart disease in an era when the illness was at epidemic proportions.  After an exhaustive study of nearly the entire population and their ancestors, the researchers were astonished.   There was a complete absence of heart conditions for men under 55. In addition, they found a fifty percent lower rate of heart attacks for men over 65 from the general population.  There were no addictions, no ulcers, practically non-existent crime, no one was on welfare, no suicide, and no peptic ulcers.

Wolf and Bruhn were confounded.  None of the prevailing wisdom on diet and exercise was at play here. The Rosetans cooked with lard, they smoked heavily, drank regularly, and many had obesity.  The study concluded there was nothing special about the air, water, land, genetics, or exercise routines of the people.  Wolf and Bruhn found that the remarkable health of the Roesetans was attributed to how the people lived together:  They built close houses, extended families lived together, they went to mass together, competed in wine making, had deep respect for elders, visited each other on the streets, were egalitarian in their treatment of each other, and knew about each other’s families.  The health and happiness of the community was linked to the benefits of people talking to each other on the streets and living in community.  

From Outliers:   "I remember going to Roseto for the first time, and you'd see three generational family meals, all the bakeries, the people walking up and down the street, sitting on their porches talking to each other, the blouse mills where the women worked during the day, while the men worked in the slate quarries," Bruhn said. "It was magical." 

The study convinced medical professionals to look beyond the habits of what individuals did in isolation and into how they related to friends, family, and community as a determiner of health and overall well being.

What groups do you belong to?  Do you feel lonely, isolated, or disconnected from others?  Maybe its time to stop medicating, surfing the Internet, or trying to figure it out on your own.  It could be time to step outside, find your group, and join the team.   

Check out, The Roseto Effect:

THE "F" WORD

“The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”      

- Albert Einstein

Forgiveness is a dirty word for some of us.  It brings up a lot of messy, conflicting feelings.  Yet forgiveness is essential to mental health—and to access our Authentic self.  Without forgiveness we can live almost entirely in what is commonly called the Victim or Shadow self.   How to get to forgiveness consistently is a personal journey some people never fully take. 

When we are traumatized, abused, abandoned, betrayed, or otherwise hurt, forgiveness is a hard thing to stomach.  Right off the bat most of us are probably not ready to forgive.  That’s honest; we don’t want to push the river here.  We are not trying to “throw pink paint” on our harm and pretty it up, fake it, or pretend it wasn’t that bad.  We probably need to talk about our hurt, pain, and sadness to someone who can validate us by saying, “That was terrible.  I can understand why you would feel hurt, angry, sad, etc.  Tell me more.” We may need to cry, beat the ground, and scream before we are ready for the “F” word.  

The main reason to forgive is to help yourself.   We forgive because we want to unhook ourselves from the past, to let go of pain, and to approach the present with an open heart.  Without forgiveness we can live in eternal resentment, bitterness, and defensiveness.  In fact, we can live our entire lives in a kind of haze of resentment, seeing everything and everyone through the distorted lens of past betrayals. 

For instance, one relationship many people have a hard time forgiving is with their parents.  Parents are usually ill equipped to raise kids.  There is no manual, few if any classes, and it’s about the hardest thing anyone can do.  Parents are gonna make mistakes—usually some big ones.  In Creating Love, author John Bradshaw says, “All families are dysfunctional.”  We aren’t supposed to come from perfect parents or perfect families because they don’t exist.  Psychology professionals long ago agreed that parents need to be “good enough” to succeed as parents, not flawless.  They need to provide a consistent level of safety, security, and love.  They need to give proper nutrition, shelter, and medical attention.  Still, they are gonna make mistakes.

Bradshaw also says that until we deal with the pain of the mistakes our parents made, we will approach each relationship “carrying them on our backs.”  He says others are not only going to have a relationship with us, but with the mother and father we are still carrying around due to our unresolved resentments.  That is, you will see another person as your mother, or as your father.  Until you have forgiven your parents you won’t see anyone completely clearly. 

Forgiving parents can take time.  We need our painful stories to be heard and validated.  We need to feel understood and empathized with.  We then need to remember that our parents had childhoods too.  This can be particularly hard to recognize in that we only experience them as adults.  We may want to find out about our parent’s childhood, understand what they are still carrying, and develop compassion for their suffering.  In this way forgiveness can begin to open up, help us release the past, see our parents as human, and see the person in front of us without the fog of our past hurts. 

I was once walking down the street with a friend in his seventies.  He had many repeated relationship problems and had been in therapy most of his adult life.  Out of the blue he said, “You know, my therapist and I dug into another thing my mother did that messed me up.  Isn’t it amazing how deep this stuff is?”  A little stunned I said, “Don’t you think its time to forgive her? You’re not gonna live forever you know.”  He didn’t like my answer. 

Author Caroline Myss goes a step further.   Myss says that with every negative situation that we carry unresolved anger or resentment about, we send a “unit of energy” to that situation and “keep it alive.”  Myss says it is like a strand of energy extending from your current energy system back into past disturbances.    By the time we reach forty we can have a huge investment of our life “energy strands” feeding our unresolved traumas from the past.  We experience this as:  bitterness, resentment, trust issues, depression, irrational fear, free-floating anxiety, hopelessness, etc.   Myss believes that the stress of keeping past issues alive can become so depleting we can even get sick from it. She advocates that forgiveness is the main recipe for releasing these “strands of energy” locked in the past. 

Its important to note that forgiveness doesn't lower our IQ.  It doesn't mean we invite a perpetrator back into our life.  We don't give more money to the guy who stole from us.  We have forgiveness with boundaries.  Marianne Williamson, author of A Return To Love, tells about how her agent stole all the royalties to the bestselling book.  She says her attitude was, "I forgive you.  I'll see you in court."  

So what is it about forgiveness that is so unappealing? Usually it is about the way our internal Victim defines forgiveness.  Remember the Victim sub personality is invested in keeping us Victims.  It feeds on stories of victimization. The Victim is like a dog with a story bone, continually gnawing at it, trying to get more juice.  “You don’t understand, my dad was never there for me.”  “You would know why I’m so angry if you had my mother.”  “You don’t know how hard my childhood was.”  “I come from a lot of trauma.” 

Forgiveness is very threatening to this Victim sub personality.  It spells death to the Victim. The Victim will tell us things like, “They don’t deserve forgiveness.”  “You are letting them off the hook!”  “You are condoning bad behavior.”  “You’re being a doormat if you forgive them, inviting them to abuse you again.”  “You need to keep hating them to stay safe.” 

This Victim mentality we keep feeding with resentments is hyper-vigilant.  It over personalizes small conflicts.  It convinces us to be excessively reactive, judges others harshly, and stays walled off.  It is paranoid. Forgiveness unravels the inner Victim, releases the past, and allows us to live in the fully empowered present.  

We can't forgive others from a place of superiority.  This might be thought of as "forgiveness to destroy" or demean another.  "You're so creepy.  I'm so much more advanced than you. I forgive you for being so messed up."  This will only backfire as an inability to experience the true gifts of forgiveness and stay locked in the Victim.  We need to forgive from a place of equanimity and compassion--recognizing the other's humanity and struggles as similar to our own.  A fellow traveler making mistakes on a difficult path. 

The one we usually have the hardest time forgiving is ourselves.  When we make mistakes this Victim sub personality can be ruthless—condemning our cowardice, irresponsibility, or lack of effort.  In this way, it is feeding on our mistakes to keep itself alive. It will tell us if we live in enough guilt and fear we will not make the same mistakes.  Actually, the opposite is true.  This guilt can get so blinding that it creates confusion that leads to more mistakes.  The Victim does not let us see the irrational thinking behind this self-sabotaging cycle. It is actually getting what it wants, more Victim food.  It will continually condemn us as a way of strengthening itself.

Forgiving ourselves needs to be intentional.  For some it can be done with inner child work (See the You Have a Child post) or Self Compassion (See the Have Compassion for Yourself post). Forgiveness is a daily activity, not a one and done.  You may have situations, people, or mistakes to forgive most days.  The Victim can also double back and try and convince us to pick up old resentments long forgiven.  For some people forgiveness is also a spiritual practice— asking their higher power to help them forgive something they find unforgivable.  

Big players in our lives are obviously needing forgiveness (parents, lovers, close friends, ourselves) but we often need to be careful about building up small resentments:  traffic incidents, political figures, neighbors, etc.   We are always leaning toward forgiveness or resentment when conflict occurs.  The more we lean into resentment the more we lean into bitterness, angst, and isolation.  The more we lean into forgiveness the more we experience peace, understanding, and love. 

Remember, we have two aspects to our thinking vying for food, the Victim and the Authentic self.  Which do you really want to feed?  Do you want to live in a friendly or hostile universe?

Enjoy the video below on The Gift of Forgiveness: 

THE WAR OF ART

“The marine corps teaches you how to be miserable. This is invaluable for an artist. Marines love to be miserable. Marines derive a perverse satisfaction in having colder chow, crappier equipment, and higher casualty rates than any outfit of dogfaces, swabjockies, or flyboys, all of whom they despise. Why? Because those candyasses don't know how to be miserable.

The artist committing himself to his calling has to be miserable. The artist committing himself to his calling has volunteered for hell, whether he knows it or not, he will be dining for the duration on a diet of isolation, rejection, self-doubt, despair, ridicule, contempt, and humiliation. The artist must be like that marine: he has to know how to be miserable. He has to love being miserable. He has to take pride in being more miserable than any soldier, or swabbie, or desk jockey, because this is war, baby, and war is hell.”

-       Steven Pressfield , The War of Art

 

Pressfield is both referring to the classic artist dilemma, and to everyone in the world in this quote.  We all have what might be considered our “art” or mission work that we are responsible for.  We have something to do besides pay the bills.  We might be an actor, writer, painter— but our art could also be gardening, being an entrepreneur, doctor, or computer geek.  Our art or mission work is that thing we do that Joseph Campbell called “following your bliss.”   In Positive Psychology Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi called this “flow.” Flow or bliss is that activity that once engaged in brings us meaning. We lose track of time. We are, “in the flow of life”.  We feel good. 

Sounds great right? Not so fast.  That “art” that creates flow or bliss also usually comes with what Pressfield calls “resistance.”   In fact, the greater the bliss our art holds for us, the more resistance is often at play.  Resistance is that voice in our head that keeps us from doing our art. The voice that neurotically tells us we’ll never be successful at our art, that it will suck, that it’s too much trouble, just give up.  But here’s the thing, when we don’t do our art because of that neurotic voice, we become even more neurotic—depressed, anxious, and searching for “meaning.”  This lack of meaning or mission can get so dark that we sink into depression, addictions, aimlessness, fear, and even start lacking the will to live.  Resistance is not a minor hindrance, it is a life killer according to Pressfield.

When we resist our art we are usually watching TV, surfing the Internet, over eating, over drinking, entertaining ourselves, getting massages, vacationing, or just plain wasting time.  Its not that these things don’t have their place, its that they kill our spirits slowly by occupying the time our art needs.  We end up complacent, envying others who focus on their “art”, justifying our avoidance, and generally complaining about life. 

When Pressfield talks about thinking like a marine, he’s referring to the mental toughness it takes to break through resistance, do what we love, and not be defeated by “resistance.” 

This mental toughness can take different forms.  My friend Alan started his acting career sleeping in the back of theatres.  A writer I know works four hours every morning in a local hotel café.  My entrepreneur father said weekends “got in the way” of his work. Edison tried a thousand times before the light bulb was born. 

How do you work through resistance?  The first remedy Pressfield promotes is simply recognizing that this thing called resistance is actively engaged in blocking your efforts to create art every time you go to do it.  Resistance is a thing in the universe, like water or grass or sexuality.   You will have to engage resistance each day and not turn away from it.  We are not trying to make it disappear, figure a way around it, or take a pill.  We are, like the marine, up for the challenge to be miserable until we succeed.  Resistance will give way if we engage it. It is an imposter, pretending to be a monster wizard but ending up being a little old man behind the curtain.  Once it is overcome flow and bliss have a chance and our mission is under way.

Pressfield recommends routine, structure, and self-discipline. He says we need a “lunch pail and hard hat” attitude toward our art.  It can’t be something we do when we “feel like it”, when the “muse strikes", or when the “stars align.”  This he says is an amateur’s approach to their art.  We have to treat it like a job.  We don’t get up and decide every day if we’ll show up at the office.  We can’t decide each day whether we’ll do our art either. 

When I work with people I always pay attention to whether they have this “art” or “mission work” in their life.  If they don’t have it, we find it. While I support working through their resistance and doing their art, it is ultimately their art, their war, and their life.  No one, including me, can force anyone to do their art.  What is the art that feeds your flow and bliss? What are you here to give the world?  How are you doing with your resistance?  Are you in the trenches or have you gone AWOL? 

Below Pressfield talks with Joe Polish on The Genius Network podcast:

You Gotta Jump & Your Big But

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. The current of the river swept silently over them all - young and old, rich and poor, good and evil, the current going its own way, knowing only its own crystal self.

Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks at the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current was what each had learned from birth.

But one creature said at last, 'I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom.'

The other creatures laughed and said, 'Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you shall die quicker than boredom!'

But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.

Yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.

And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, 'See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!'

And the one carried in the current said, 'I am no more Messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.'

But they cried the more, 'Saviour!' all the while clinging to the rocks, and when they looked again he was gone, and they were left alone making legends of a Saviour.

                   - Richard Bach, from "Illusions"

Most of us have a lot of big buts in our life about why we cling to the known.  “But what if I lose the money?”  “But what if she says no?”  “But what if I get hurt?”  “But what if it doesn’t work out?” “But what if I fail?”  In guarding our Big But story, we cling to the known, living what often amounts to a quiet life of desperation—clinging to the known— stagnated, fearful, and “safe”.  

There’s an understanding in psychology that when people come into therapy they always come because they want change.  They then fight the change they came to get help for. They cling to the known.  We are all in a sense addicts.  We cling to our over eating, our passivity, our rage, our laziness, our alcohol, even our depression and anxiety.   Why we cling to these things can be deeply unconscious.  My over eating I cling to is creating fat that protects me from being sexually abused again. My laziness protects me from risking, failing, and proving to myself that I really am no good.  The stories around my anxiety keep me from leaving the house and being hurt by others.  My depression keeps me dependent on others to take care of me -- making me feel cared for.  What will I do without my food, my laziness, my depression, my anxiety?  I will have to change, risk, let go of the past and venture into the unknown.  For many of us the risk of doing work that would let go of our past feels too scary.  We cling to the painful known instead of risking the pain associated with the unknown.  As Carl Jung said, “All neurosis is a result of the lack of legitimate suffering.”  We would often rather suffer the pain of addiction, which is neurotic, circular, and life threatening than risk  the life giving pain of doing our recovery work.

We can even cling to the safe, painful way of living while seeing others who have risked the pain of change as “gifted”, from a “privileged family”, exceptionally good looking, a “sports god”, a musical “genius”, or otherwise “special”.  These stories give us excuses to stay clinging to the known.  Since these people are so innately “special” we don’t have to risk the pain of going for our own greatness.  When the actual stories of these “special” people’s lives comes to light what is discovered time and again is some natural talent (which we all have for something in life) but then tremendous work ethic and risk taking that excels them above the fray.  Magic Johnson got up before school to practice basketball and then went back at it until late into the night after his last class.  Einstein worked out the theory of relativity while working as a patent clerk and continued to work until his dying day.  Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard and used to sleep under his desk while building Microsoft.  Marianne Williamson began her Course In Miracles lectures in her apartment.  Millions of addicts have left their addictions behind by risking the work of recovery.  John Bradshaw came to his career as a best selling author in the field of psychology when after being hospitalized again for alcoholism, he stood before his doctors and uttered the prophetic words,  “I’ll do anything to get better.”

Do you have Big Buts running your life?  What are you ready to let go?  What stories, habits, addictions, excuses have run their course so thoroughly that you are willing say, “I’ll do anything to change.”  

As Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat Pray Love is quoted, “I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.”

Below Steve Harvey explains it all for you. 

You Gotta Jump!  

YOKE YOURSELF

Yoga is everywhere these days.  When yoga came to the west it became more of a health fad than what it was developed for—a consciousness raising practice.  The word yoga means yoke. The practice of yoga was developed to “yoke” you to your higher consciousness.

To feel good we have to move our bodies. The sedentary lifestyle many of us experience will easily lead to depression, lethargy, and anxiety.  I always screen people for how much they exercise / move if they are depressed or anxious.  The cure could include yoga (or any other exercise).  Today there is a multitude of yoga disciplines to choose from: Hatha, Bikram, Kundalini, Kriya, Iyengar, Ashtanga, Kirpalu, Anusara, and Jivamukti. 

Yoga was designed to balance the chakras, raise the kundalini, and elevate our consciousness.  The seven chakras in the body are energy systems that correspond to differing levels of consciousness.  The chakras run along the spine and up through the top of the skull.  The kundalini is an energy that sits like a “coiled serpent” at the base of the spine.  For most of us this energy rarely raises past the first three chakras.  The goal of yoga is to raise it, and keep it raised, through all seven.  Saints and great humanitarian leaders are people who demonstrate consciousness from a place of fully balanced chakras and awakened, raised kundalini energy (Mandela, Mother Theresa, MLK, Paramahansa Yogananda, Christ, Buddha, religious figures of all kinds).  When this occurs the emotional and psychological systems are said to be in full alignment, balance, and capacity.  We also feel good. 

The first chakra or “root” chakra is at the base of the spine.  It corresponds to survival instincts and being grounded in life.  If the root chakra is out of balance we may have ongoing fear surrounding basic survival needs with money and food. We could develop addictions, phobias, obsessions, or just feeling ungrounded.   The root chakra has the color red. Eating root vegetables can aid in balancing this chakra.  Other healing foods are: apples, beets, cayenne peppers, tobacco, meat, eggs.  Also, just stomp your bare feet on the ground.  (indigenous tribes did a lot of stomping during full moons, which can be very un-grounding)

The second chakra is behind the navel area and is related to the sexual instincts, creativity, and the emotions.  This chakra tends to be out of balance in the west due to the rampant use of pornography, casual sexuality, and lack of creativity in the work place.  Imbalances result in emotional problems, compulsivity, dependency issues, creative blocks, and sexual guilt.  When the second chakra is balanced the results are pleasure, abundance, sense of well-being, and creative fulfillment.  The color is orange. Healing foods include oranges, carrots, melon and nuts. 

The third chakra is at the solar plexus and is related to self-worth, power, ability to achieve, sensitivity, and ambition.  When balanced this chakra harnesses our personal power, direction, and authority in life.  Blockages can result in frustration, anger, lack of direction, extreme anxiety, sense of victimization, sugar addictions, insomnia, and excessive fear.  Color is yellow.  Healing foods: corn, yellow lentils, yellow curry, whole grains, and chamomile or peppermint tea. 

Let’s pause here.  From a yogic perspective, the world is locked in the unbalanced, lower three, animalistic chakras.  The main concerns are survival, sex, and power (survival of the fittest in the animal kingdom).  For instance, on a planet with plenty for everyone millions are left without basic survival needs while others hoard millions and billions of dollars beyond what they could possibly need.  Sex is often seen more as a way to medicate anxiety, express anger, or as something to be bought.  Power is regularly exercised to keep most of society in a slave like condition.  Until these three are balanced in our lives it is rare if ever that we move into the fourth charkra— the first fully human center of the conscious human being from a yogic perspective.  

The fourth chakra is at the level of the heart, center of the chest.  The color is green.  It is the place of love, compassion, harmony, and peace.  Blockages result in inhumanity, lack of compassion, depression, reckless aggression, being detached, distrustful, hopeless.  When people say, “I feel so good in nature”, “I love you”, or “I love playing volleyball”, they usually mean their heart chakra is wide open.  Healing foods: leafy green vegetables, green tea.  Mother Theresa was famous for expressing this chakra for all of humanity. 

The fifth chakra is the throat chakra.  Balanced it is experienced as clear communication of feelings and truth to self and others, synthesis of ideas.  Unbalanced it can be experienced as problems communicating needs, attention deficit, isolation, dishonesty.  For balancing try: Tree fruits – apples, peaches, plums, etc., singing, and chanting can help clear the throat chakra.  Color is blue.

The sixth chakra is located at the center of the forehead.  This is the place of knowing, intuition, decision making, and wisdom.  Blockages result in lack of foresight, depression, mental rigidity, nightmares, and hallucinations. Color is indigo.  Healing foods:  chocolate, grapes, blueberries.

The seventh chakra is located at the top of the head.  It is concerned with understanding, bliss, and acceptance.  It is the “crown” chakra” connecting us to life mission, personal destiny, and spiritual reality.  Blockages result in feelings of isolation, disconnection from life, confusion, and depression.   Balancing “foods”:  clean air, sunshine. 

When we practice yoga we aid in aligning, balancing,  and awakening all seven chakras. We are then well positioned for deep meditation.  Yoga has captured an enormous following in the U.S.  You can practice at your local yoga center, gym, or follow it on line.    It is important that yoga is not a cure all.  Many people still need to seek help for addictions, relationship issues, etc. to fully take advantage of yoga’s benefits. 

Below Guru Singh teaches Kundalini Yoga in L.A.

LOVE IS THE DRUG

Psychoanalysis has taken some hard knocks over the years as a kind of mental masturbation.  The knocks aren’t all fair— and they’re not all without merit. At my office we have a few  cartoons about analysis in the staff room.  One is of a patient on the couch and an analyst sitting behind him—both are texting.  Another is of a man drowning and calling out to his dog on the riverbank, “Lassie, get help!”  Lassie is seen in the next frame lying on an analyst’s couch.  

I’ve done analysis. The main problem was the intermittent, unreliable experience of love in the therapy.  It was very “analytical”, intellectually heady, full of brilliant insights, heavy confrontation—and even fear.  The thing it lacked was its capacity to construct a safe, consistently loving process that could elicit a capacity for real change.  It was not without benefit.  I still use some tools from it.  It was just, well—circular. Patients of analysis often complain that,  “I figured out a lot of stuff, but nothing changed.”

Conversely I’ve worked with therapists who were brimming with love.  They held me in a safe space allowing me to look at and take responsibility for my “shadow” material—the icky stuff we all hold in unconscious places (yes, those are technical terms).  This holding capacity of the therapist was a central factor that facilitated my ability to take the responsibility I needed to make real change.   

The problem with some kinds of therapy is that they lack this container of love—the main force for healing.  Love in therapy can take many forms.  It can be the love in group therapy that members feel for each other, the love a patient learns to feel for their “inner child,” the compassion a patient learns in self-compassion exercises.  It can be the love felt between the patient and therapist that gives the patient the love they missed in early, crucial developmental stages.  It can be the love and acceptance a patient feels when they are at their most cynical, bitter, angry, victimized place.  It can be when someone is confronted with a firm, loving attitude of a therapist who can say, "That's enough.  You've been talking for three sessions about the problem with him.  I know you're stronger than this.  What do you want to do about it?"  

Carl Rodgers coined the theory of humanistic / client-centered therapy. The clinician is trained to hold the patient in a constant state of unconditional positive regard.  In this way the client, who may have extremely neurotic patterns from a history of rejection or abuse, learns to internalize the unconditional positive regard from the therapist and establish the same positive regard (read loving relationship) with themselves. 

There’s a strange paradox in schools of psychology. While love is obviously the primary healing force in all our lives, the word love is not explicitly used in many universities.  In fact, it was never a “subject matter” for any course in my degree program.  Its as if schools feel they won’t be taken seriously if they sound too “touchy feely” in their course materials. 

In my experience the main thing clients need to experience in therapy is love and forgiveness for whatever guilt they may be holding onto.  This is not a sugary, pink paint kind of love. It is a specific, powerful, and even fierce energy that breaks through long standing neurotic patterns.  

As much as love in therapy is about affirming a person's worth and the value of saying yes to their lives,  love can also about teaching someone the value of the word, "No." "No, I won't be abused anymore." "No, I'm not going to stay in this life sucking job."  "No, I'm not going to keep using heroin.  I'll do whatever it takes to stop."  "No, I won't keep blaming my parents for my life."  

Here is a list of common problems people have issues with in therapy and their possible treatment: 

You’re depressed. (i.e.  You’re constantly critical or angry with yourself).  Approach for change: Learn to accept and love all of your feelings—especially anger, learn self-compassion, and how to take better self-care.  Break isolation and open to intimacy with others. 

You’re in an addiction.  (i.e. You’re self-soothing with drugs, gambling, food, alcohol, or sex because you feel so bad about yourself).  Approach to change:  Learn to self-soothe and safely experience uncomfortable feelings.  Learn to rely on others to help love you where you are unable to love yourself.  This may take a group effort like twelve steps where you find others with the same issue who will love and accept you as you are. If in keeping with your beliefs, establish a loving “higher power” to rely on in. 

You’re in a toxic relationship.  Approach for change: Learn to lovingly re-parent your “inner child” and learn to communicate / mirror thoughts, feelings, and needs, hold boundaries.  If need be, learn to say no to continuing.  

You’re ridden with anxiety.  Approach for change:  Learn to lovingly accept unresolved trauma in your unconscious.  This could be done with Emotional Freedom Technique.  In this technique the first statement you would focus on is, “Even though I’m full of anxiety I deeply love and accept myself.”   

You hate you’re job and want to change.  Approach for change: Challenge self –limiting career beliefs, learn self-compassion for creative desires, recover buried passions, pursue career you love with goals that bring about change.   (Joseph Campbell’s recipe was, Follow Your Bliss).  Also, keep accountable in session to a therapist who supports and cares for your steps to change. 

The late Leo Buscaglia was a rare scholar in the study of Love at USC (his course was called Love 1A).  His lectures became so popular PBS picked him up for a special.

Check him out: 

GETTING PUNCHED IN THE FACE

“Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.”

-       Mike Tyson

I’m a boxer.  I had a plan one day on how I was going to take on the biggest guy in the gym.  I’d out maneuver him.  “Speed beats strength,” as they say in boxing.  I’d show him a few moves, tire him out, then come in for the kill.  My plan lasted about 2 minutes before he hit me so hard my future children felt it.  An hour later I was at the hospital hooked up to an EKG machine.  What happened?  I had a plan. 

A more difficult punch came when my mother was diagnosed with cancer and died at age 64.  What happened?  My family had all planned on her living into her 80’s or 90’s.  Life happened. 

Everyone gets punched from time to time in the midst of their life plans.  You come in to work to find a pink slip on your desk.  A man comes home to his wife packing to leave him.  A woman looks in the mirror at fifty and wonders where her life went.  A friend dies in a car accident.  

Some punches are more famous:  Bernie Madoff gets thrown in jail after decades of running a “successful” ponzi scheme.   Nelson Mandela gets put in jail for 27 years in the midst of leading his people against Apartheid.  Stephen Hawking gets diagnosed with MS in college. Victor Frankel gets incarcerated in a concentration camp.  FDR contracts polio and becomes paralyzed.  Harriet Tubman is born into slavery.  Abraham Lincoln suffers acute bouts of depression and the civil war.  Muhammad Ali gets his boxing license taken away for opposing the Vietnam War.  (he said it was his “greatest fight”) and later suffers Parkinson’s disease.  Brad and Angie get divorced mid Hollywood fairy tail—again.  After overcoming Jim Crow Laws and childhood poverty to become a prominent author and activist, Alice Walker gets dealt another blow when her daughter leaves their relationship.

Author Eckhart Tolle says that many people of faith lose their way when tragedy strikes.  He says their internal belief is, “That wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I had a deal with the universe, or with God.  Nothing bad was supposed to happen.” 

But what if we are supposed to get punched in the face by life on occasion. While few of us will be called on to face the challenges of Mandela, Tubman, or Frankel, all of us will be knocked off our feet from time to time.

Mandela, Tubman, FDR, and Frankel became archetypal figures—people we can all follow, because of their ability to get punched that hard by life and find their way through.  When asked how he coped with the years in prison Mandela said, “I wasn’t coping.  I was preparing to lead.”  When Frankel was in a concentration camp his great break through came when he realized the Nazi’s could only control his body, but not his mind.  He had full rein over whether he saw himself as a victim or as a hero.  He chose hero.  When Harriet Tubman made it to freedom she turned around and went back for others. FDR hid his handicap to go to be one of the most storied presidents in history. 

Many of us are not so fortunate.  Phillip Seymour Hoffman becomes a successful actor but dies of a heroin overdose.  Whitney Houston suffers a similar demise.  Nixon resigns in disgrace.  The Golden Gate Bridge is famous both for its beauty and its popularity as a place to commit suicide. Life can hit hard.

The tendency for many of us when faced with difficulty is to get triggered into a victim story—sometimes referred to as a  “Why me?” story.  The story tends to have its roots in comparison to others.  In A.A. they say we, “Compare and despair.” Why did I marry an alcoholic and not Tom?  Why did she get left a fortune and not me? How did my wife end up in jail?  Why did this happen to me and not the other guy?   

What happens when you get “punched in the face”?  Do you build a “why me?” story, or are you able to find your way through?  Are you able to admit your pain to others or do you hide in shame and secrecy?  Are you able to ask for the help needed? The point being that if we give up or give in to the punches we take, then we suffer the real tragedy:  an overdose, a life of quiet desperation, an untreated addiction, ongoing depression, isolation, extreme poverty, even suicide.  

That fact that life is difficult is not news.  I have grown a little suspicious of friends who always tell me they are doing “great”.  One friend who consistently touted his happy life was found to be an untreated alcoholic, another cheating on his spouse, a third suffering a debilitating depression in a toxic marriage, a gym buddy was secretly bulimic.  When we hide the bruises we are taking from life’s punches they can become untreated cancers in our psyche and in our lives. 

Maybe we can normalize our challenges, even expect them.  Maybe we can be taken less by surprise that we get punched.  Can we learn to ask for help?  Can we show others they are not alone in their struggles? 

Western culture has a decidedly hyper independent mentality.  We haven’t quite given up on the “rugged individualism” thing that has lead us into a deep psychological hole of isolation and mental illness. We are ranked third in the world for depression and 8th in the world for recreational and prescription drug abuse.  

You can get whatever help you need.  Be willing to look at the punches you are taking or have taken clearly.  Know that you are bigger than them.  You can get the help is available to meet the challenge. You are not gonna get knocked out.

Below Rocky Explains It All For You:  

A WOMAN IS MARCHING YOUR WAY

Patriarchy has had a long run on planet Earth.  The results are in and the verdict seems to be a pretty dismal one—environmental degradation, hoarding of resources, out of control competition, sexual violence, and warfare as decision making between nations.   

To be fair to my fellow men, we’ve also created great works of art, engineering, and modern technological advances.  Many men are becoming better parents, lovers, and nurturers.  Still, we seem to be at a breaking point with the diehard values of patriarchy and the arrangement of having one sex controlling world events.   Even now only one in five members of the U.S. congress is female.  

It could be argued that we are in dire need of the female influence to balance the shadow side of patriarchy.  That is, we need more receptivity, nurturing, and inclusivity.

Last weekend I attended the Woman’s March in L.A.  I knew it was going to be big, but I didn’t have any idea that it would be hundreds of thousands—and millions across the world.  The march celebrated women’s power, their need for respect, and a repudiation of what is largely regarded as a resurgence of a misogynistic political policy.

Marianne Williamson, author, political activist, and lecturer has repeatedly said that women could change the world if across the globe they stood up, marched, and said, “Not in my house.” (the “house” being planet earth)   “Not in my house will children starve.”  “Not in my house will people be homeless.”  “Not in my house will people go without their basic needs met.” “Not in my house will the environment be trashed.” 

Williamson says it has become too easy for women to blame the patriarchy of men for all our problems.  She asserts that the problem is as much men’s patriarchal dominance as it is women’s willingness to sit down and take it.  Well, for anyone who was at the march, it was obvious that women are standing up. 

Let’s talk about how this affects romantic relationships.  The patriarchal influence on the history of relationships across the world is that the male holds the purse strings, makes the decisions, and dictates the terms of the relationship. The woman may have a say, but there is usually an implicit understanding that he will determine the direction and outcome of major life events.  Even in LGBT relationships this dynamic is often true.  The partner who has more “yang,” or male energy, is often put in charge of the relationship decision making. 

I once spoke to an Imago Couples Therapist who treated a couple living in this old model of patriarchy.  When the therapist asked the man to mirror the woman (i.e. that he repeat back to her what he heard her say) he grew increasingly agitated, got up, and said, “I’m not mirroring her!” and abruptly left the session.  The woman had a few choices:  a choice to fall back into passivity, to insist they continue therapy to be together, to find other kinds of help, or to leave.  The decision is hers but for many women the time for choosing passivity is over.  

To be clear, psychological equality between men and women is not about men going “all soft.”  It is about men retaining their authentic masculine while making room for women to have equal power.

A basic goal of Imago Couples Therapy is to break out of the patriarchal model and have egalitarian relationships, where power is shared and both people are held in equal esteem.

Oprah Winfrey showed up at my church a few months ago with her partner Steadman Graham.  Winfrey says that if it wasn’t for doing Imago Couples Therapy, they wouldn’t still be together.   It was interesting to see his grace in what must be an everyday occurrence of allowing his partner the spotlight.  He seemed at ease in his masculinity and dignity.  They looked like equals. 

Oprah says all arguments are about couples asking three questions: Did you hear me?  Did you see me? Did what I say mean anything to you? 

In this week’s video she goes over a long history of dealing with patriarchy, raising consciousness, and coming to a place of empowerment and peace.

Take a look: 

BE A FOOL

The Fool archetype is an important part of our psyche that when embodied in a positive sense is both playful and wise.  When we access the Fool it can cut through the denseness of our critical minds.   

In Shakespearean plays The Fool in the kingdom is often portrayed as the only one that can tell The King the truth without getting his head cut off. That is, his light-hearted foolishness helps him access deep wisdom and disarm The King’s tyranny.

The positive Fool urges us to enjoy the process of life with freedom, humor, and joy. The Fool invites us all out to play—showing us how to turn our work, our relationships, and our boring tasks into fun. The goal of The Fool, perhaps the wisest goal of all—is just to enjoy life as it is, with all its paradoxes and dilemmas.

I was once at a men’s retreat and we were all given an envelope with an archetype to embody for the weekend.  It was exciting.  Would I be The King?  Maybe The Warrior? Probably I’d be The Sage.  Then again I could be The Lover—but probably I'd be The Sage. I am a therapist after all. When I unfolded my paper and found the word FOOL written on it my heart sank. Then I laughed.  This is just what The Fool is about, taking us off of our pedestals and finding the ground.  Breaking our seriousness or loftiness and knowing we are not better or worse than anyone.  I had a wonderful weekend embodying the trickster at different workshops—giving myself permission to be a Fool. 

In a negative or Shadow sense The Fool can be prone to laziness, gluttony, lack of self-control, lack of dignity, or inability to focus. This is where play becomes toxic.  Instead of finishing your dissertation you’re at another party getting high.  You need to submit that resume but you’re eating ice cream in front of the television comedy.  This is where “fun” becomes life sucking.  In the worst sense it could look like addictions—overindulging in alcohol, sex, food, or drugs, while life slips away.   This is not being the wise Fool, it is being  foolish.   This kind of Shadow Fool needs more of the Warrior energy to be harnessed so as to refocus yourself.  It may be time to stay home and finish the writing.  It could be time to enter a recovery program. The Shadow Fool can look harmless on the surface but be destroying our dreams quietly in the background. 

During the turmoil of the Bush administration Jon Stewart, host of The Daily Show, became one of our great Fools.  His wisdom and humor helped guide people through an oppressive economy and the tragedy of a new war.  Stewart later went on to interview Barak Obama multiple times in a modern day enactment of The Fool talking to The King. 

Charlie Chaplin was a famous Fool who satired the difficulties people faced in poverty with his character,  The Little Tramp.  He also skewered Adolf Hitler in his classic movie, The Great Dictator.  While for some this may seem extreme, the point of The Fool is to be able to help us look at the most dire aspects of life—and deal with them without being disabled by their enormity.  As comics like to say, "Comedy is tragedy plus time."

Other famous Fools include Richard Pryor, Ellen, Jim Carrey, Chris Rock, Robin Williams, Wanda Sykes, Stephen Colbert, Monty Python, and Whoopi Goldberg. Fools are not just humorous.  They bring wisdom to their humor that cuts through our pain and enlightens society. 

Where could you stand a little more Fool in your life?  Is there a project you are “staking your life on” that you can laugh about?  Is there a child you are resisting being really playful with? Do you have a guilty past mistake you can now joke about? If you have ever attended a twelve step recovery meeting you might think you walked into a stand up comedy show.  Addicts love to laugh at their tragic pasts.  Is Disney Land still on your to do list? Can your cubicle use a few cartoons or playful toys?  I know a well-published writer whose office is full of miniature toys and figurines.  Its fun just to walk into his work place.

Below one of our great fools, Jim Carrey, performs in a wise fool movie - Yes Man. 

Take a look:

YOU HAVE A CHILD

John Bradshaw became a pioneer in psychology after battling a long career as an out of control alcoholic.  Through his work in therapy and the twelve step program he learned the language of healing and rose to prominence in his ability to help others. Bradshaw eventually broke new ground in the mental health field when he coined the term, “inner child.”   He became a leading figure in family systems theory and addiction recovery.  His insight, humor, and intelligence lead to a PBS series and multiple books—the best known entitled, Homecoming, Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child.

The “inner child” refers to the part of our psyche that retains all of our childhood memories, fears, traumas, and successes.  The inner child then develops core beliefs about itself through these experiences and carries those core beliefs into our adult life.  

The “inner parent” is the part of the psyche that is internalized from how our parents raised us.  This becomes how we talk to ourselves  (i.e. how we parent our inner child).   Bradshaw asserts that most of us need to learn to “re-parent our inner child” to heal the unfinished business of childhood.

For instance, if you were repeatedly shamed with a comment such as, “What’s wrong with you?”, when you made mistakes as a child, you may then repeat that narrative as an adult in the way you talk to your “inner child.”  If you risk starting a business and it fails, your “inner parent” may say something like: “See, I knew this was bad idea. How stupid to think this could work.  What’s wrong with you?”  

Your “inner child” is then shamed again and the core beliefs about being bad or not good enough are reinforced. Recycling this inner story can easily lead to profound depression, anxiety, and even addictions.  In the above example you could also conclude that you should never try another business.  This is what happens when we live in what Bradshaw refers to as our “toxic shame” or “the shame that binds you.”  Toxic shame says, “I am bad.  I am a failure.  I’ll never be good enough.  What’s wrong with me?” 

Healthy shame in Bradshaw’s teaching is the kind of shame we have when we hurt others, take advantage of them, or act recklessly.  Healthy shame says things like, “I feel bad about how I treated him.  I need to apologize. I should change my behavior.  I need to make an amends.” 

Healthy shame informs how to handle a situation when I make a mistake.  Toxic shame tells me that who I am is wrong when I make a mistake .

So, “parenting your inner child” is essentially paying attention to how you talk to yourself. While most of us are aware we have an ongoing inner dialogue commenting on our experiences, hopes, regrets, and judgments, few people pay real attention to how critical and even abusive they can be to their “inner child”—a part of them that remains vulnerable, sensitive, and in need of encouragement. 

Is it possible you could start a business, have it fail, and respond internally with, “It’s ok, most first time businesses fail.  What you’re feeling is normal.  What did you learn?  I can try again.  I’m sure I’ll do better next time.  I’m proud of myself for trying.”  This would be an example of an internal “nurturing parent.” This kind of re-parenting helps to support and heal the “inner child.” We can encourage ourselves to keep going, strive for our dreams, and remain in a place of feeling accepted and loved.

If we come from difficult backgrounds it can be exceedingly difficult to retrain ourselves to be nurturing to the “inner child.”  Many of us need outside help to achieve this change. Bradshaw says that we sometimes need to find a “family of choice.”  That is, we need people who can help us heal, a kind of second try at the family system:  a support group that we have chosen to join, a therapist than can nurture us, a recovery group that addresses our particular issues such as codependence, drug addiction, adult children of alcoholics, etc.  This “family of choice” can help to do the re-parenting for us until we are able to do it for ourselves.

Below John Bradshaw talks on the “Inner Child.”  See the full series on YouTube.  Check it out:

DON'T GO IN THERE ALONE

“My mind is a dangerous neighborhood.  I try not to go in there alone.”

                                                                                        —Anne Lamott. 

Miss Lamott likely got this saying from the people of alcoholics anonymous, but it applies to everyone.  We all have a shadowy, “dangerous neighborhood” in our heads from time to time.  For some of us the neighborhood can be dangerous on a daily basis. Trying to deal with the mind alone can be like attempting to tame a rattlesnake—we’re probably gonna get bit up really bad and find out we’re terrible rattlesnake tamers.

Whether it’s a therapist, a life coach, a support group, a sponsor, or any other trusted guide, many of us need a supportive witness to the darkness of our minds to help us move into a healthier, self-aware place.

The unexamined mind can have all kinds of neurotic blind spots that it can’t see without this kind of help. As Einstein said, "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it."   In A.A. the similar slogan is, "Your best thinking got you here. Take direction."  

In psychology programs therapists are required to be in therapy as part of their training.  No one enters the field of psychotherapy under any pretenses that they don’t have to do their own work.   

One diagnoses in psychology is the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  This is the person who is really going it alone, believing they have it all figured out.  They are reckless in their lives, sometimes outwardly successful at achieving goals, and imminently destructive to others.  These people project their “shadow” onto others. 

The shadow is the part of ourselves we hide, repress, or deny.  The Narcissist looks on the world and proclaims, “They” are the addict, the lazy one, the menace, the tyrant—not me.  “They” need to get help, be punished, be locked up, be avoided, be vilified.  Narcissists are people who feel they are beyond the need for help. (a certain politician comes to mind—actually many of them do).  

The world is full of narcissism.  We need only turn on the daily news to see what happens when people try to go it alone—not so good. 

Its not that everyone has to do therapy.  No one has to do anything.  It’s just that without some deep examination and significant humility about our limitations, we spend a lot of time in the bad neighborhood— and often expose others to it through projecting our disowned shadows on them.

We all go unconscious.  We all have shadows to work out.  We are all prone to depression, anxiety, addictions, anger, and irrational fears.

Mother Theresa’s famous quote, “I can see the Hitler in myself”, speaks of a woman with true courage to see her own shadow, do deep transformational work, and show us the way into compassion for ourselves and the world. 

Below Debbie Ford explores the unexamined shadow and its effect on our lives in the movie, The Shadow Effect. 

Take a look: 

THE SECRET OF THE UNIVERSE

Complaining about life is a habit some of us (ok most of us) participate in outwardly or inwardly much of the day.  It is a habit from the conditioned mind that lives in eternal dissatisfaction with something about our lives:  our homes, our partners, our being alone, the weather, our money, our looks, our age, the stock market, our health, our- fill in the blank.  This subtle or not so subtle complaining has one common denominator—the conditioned mind’s dissatisfaction with the self. 

The core thinking of the conditioned mind is, “I’m not enough.” The same mind then extends this belief out and invariably believes that,  “This thing in my life is not enough and I have to fix it to be enough.”  When it doesn’t work the conditioned mind plays out this scenario over and over, living in continual dissatisfaction.  Because it is looking at the wrong place, outside ourselves, it never reaches a solution.

The conditioned mind is formed from the inevitable shortcomings of our family and culture.  It’s essential approach to life is to negate it, or say “No” to it.  From the conditioned mind’s perspective life is continually judged and denied as coming up short.  This perception can be so deep that we rarely get any real relief from the anxiety or low-level depression it generates. 

Even when we do get relief it tends to be short lived.  Perhaps we get the partner, the money, the house, the success in whatever form.  For a short time we may have felt that we arrived.  However, before long the conditioned mind will kick back in and start looking for the next limitation or shortcoming that makes life unsatisfying, the next thing that needs fixing. 

Many people have a fascination with watching toddlers.  Once, when my mother called her friend and asked what the family was doing, the friend said,  “Watching the kids.”  In watching toddlers we observe the unconditioned mind in all it’s natural openhearted embracing of life.

Toddlers have yet to learn that anything they do is wrong or that there is anything “wrong” with them.  In the philosopher Nietzsche’s words, “a child is like a wheel rolling out of its own center.”  A child’s natural, unconditioned mind is essentially one of full acceptance of themselves and their experience.  In essence, the child is saying “Yes” to itself and to life. 

The same unconditioned mind is seen to some extent in domestic animals—and is largely responsible for people’s obsession with their pets. Dogs will go into joy at the slightest invitation.  “Do you want to go for a walk?”—can elicit mad tail wagging and jumping. 

We have a couple videos in today's blog.  

First, in Mindful awareness we learn that the secret of the universe is to say yes to our lives in all aspects.  In a sense we even say yes to the conditioned mind and all it’s complaining.  We are then able to accept our lives from a place of new awareness and compassion.  Mindfulness can liberate us from the conditioned mind back into a mature, self-aware relationship with the unconditioned mind. We can regain a joyful awareness from a mind that is “…rolling out of its own center.”

See the two previous posts Mindfulness and the Two Wolves, and Mindfulness 101 for more on how to practice Mindful awareness.

Eckhart Tolle is one of the pre-eminent teachers of Mindful awareness.  Here he goes more in depth into The Secret of The Universe:

Next, in the wonderful comedy Yes Man, with Jim Carrey, the character of Carl is living a life of quiet desperation.  His conditioned mind is defending against life, saying “No” to new experiences and trying to remain safe.  He works in a dead end job, doesn’t date, avoids socializing, lives in depression, and watches a lot of TV.  He is challenged in a hilarious way to say “Yes” to everything in his life. In taking up the challenge he finds a whole world of adventure, love, and excitement in the process. Ironically Jim Carrey is an ardent student of Eckhart Tolle.  

Check it out: 

YOUR BRAIN ON PORN

With the advent of high speed internet, porn addiction has reached epidemic proportions.  In fact, researchers who are studying porn addiction have found that one of their greatest challenges is in finding control groups of men who do not watch porn to contrast with those who do.  Apparently the porn-free man is a rare breed. 

The destructive implications of regular porn viewing are now widely documented.  The repeated viewing of pornography actually changes the brain structure of the person viewing it. 

Pornography exacerbates the release of dopamine in the brain – the feel good neurotransmitter.  The excess of dopamine then creates an excess of Delta FosB – a molecular brain switch that tells the brain to get more stimulation, that is, to find more and different kinds of porn for additional stimulation.  Over time the pleasure response center in the brain numbs to every day enjoyments.  The pleasure response center is trained to require stimulation that is only accessible through porn. Not only does the porn addicted person need more each day, he will often need more varied and extreme kinds of porn to stimulate himself.

Is all this really so bad?  Umm, yeah.  Long-term effects of porn use include depression, difficulty focusing, difficulty accomplishing tasks, social anxiety, erectile dysfunction, an inability to create romantic relationships, and an inability to enjoy intimate sex with a partner.  The symptom that usually gets a man’s attention is erectile dysfunction. 

Internet porn creates erectile dysfunction as the numbed out, over stimulated brain of the porn user sends weaker and weaker signals to the penis. This creates a lower reaction to porn sites over time, a drop in libido, and eventual erectile dysfunction.

Fortunately, for the man who is willing to do his self-growth work, the brain is malleable and can heal if he gets help.  This could look like professional therapy, twelve-step recovery (check out sex addicts anonymous saa-recovery.org), and filtering his computer with a porn filter (netnany.com).   

The website, yourbrainonporn.com gives a comprehensive look at this epidemic and offers hope for the porn addicted person. 

Check out Gary Wilson's Tedx talk, The Great Porn Experiment, for more:

TAP OUT YOUR DEPRESSION

Emotional Freedom Technique (i.e. EFT) or “Tapping”, is a healing modality originated by Gary Craig.  It draws on various healing theories such as acupuncture, neuro-linguistic programming, energy medicine, and Thought Field Therapy. 

When utilizing EFT you focus on talking through a specific issue while tapping on the end points of the body’s energy meridians to reduce cortisol levels. Cortisol is the hormone released by the brain’s amygdala gland when under stress— sometimes resulting in paralyzing depression or anxiety.

Cortisol is said to trap our thinking in the reptilian, or flight / attack portion of the brain (the back of the brain). When this happens, a perceived threat, however little, can be translated into the need to go into a flight / attack response.

Flight could look like isolation, going into an addiction, hiding the truth, shutting down, leaving a relationship, etc.

Attack could look like screaming, ridiculing, pressuring someone, or even physically harming them in an effort to feel like our domination has been established and we are “safe from the threat.” 

Tapping allows us to decrease cortisol levels and process perceived threats from the frontal lobe of the brain. When fears are processed through this part of the brain we can more easily self contain, access rational thought, and effectively problem solve without going into flight / attack mode.

In a matter of minutes people often report decreased depression, anxiety, and fear.  There have even been numerous reports of decreased physical pain when utilizing EFT.

Below Nick Ortner talks on the basics outlining EFT or “Tapping.” 

Check it out:

BLUE PILL OR RED PILL?

We all get hypnotized by life. Through families, culture, schooling—all of our experiences hypnotize us in some ways into a conditioned thinking.  This thinking can recirculate in the background of our entire life experience. 

In fact, author Deepak Chopra says, “…most of your thoughts are not your own.  They are left over from the past or imposed on you by the world, recycling unconsciously through your mind.”  (Uh oh.) 

The messages we internalized can lead to all kinds of unfortunate beliefs and behaviors.  Perhaps there were times when we were abused, unseen, abandoned, or unacknowledged and came away telling ourselves we were “less than”.  Maybe we grew up surrounded by poverty and believed, “everyone in my family ends up poor.”

We could have been acculturated to believe that another race, sexual preference, sex, or religion was to be despised, attacked, or at least belittled.  We could have been taught to live in fear around a myriad of things:  money, love, work, mission, our feelings, hopes, and even freedom.  These limiting thoughts and beliefs make up what the mystic Rumi called, “…your personal prison.” 

In the movie The Matrix, Neo, the protagonist, is told by his mentor, Morpheus, to choose between the Red pill and the Blue pill.  The Blue pill symbolizes a choice to stay asleep to his past conditioning—a choice most people make.  If he does this he will agree to sleep walk, to not be challenged, and to stay safely numb in “the Matrix”—a societal construct built by the top few people in a society to benefit them and control the rest of the population (think the current political debate around one percent of the population controlling the wealth and pulling the strings of American society). 

More practically speaking, taking the Blue pill means that I may stay in a belief that I am powerless in life, that others get all the breaks, that my race, religion, family, or geography determines the outcome of my life. I am essentially on autopilot, trying to do whatever I can to remain safe in an “unsafe world” controlled by others.

Taking the Red pill symbolizes Neo’s choice to break out, take risks, and live his authentic life. This choice is fraught with challenges, dangers, and adventures that the safe path of the Blue pill never approaches.  It is important to recognize that when he does take the path of the Red pill, his life is anything but easy.  He walks through tremendous fear on his way to freedom.  He lives a sparse, difficult existence for a time.  All his past, deeply ingrained beliefs have to be challenged and released. 

Taking the Red pill can mean different things to different people.  The key is that it wakes us up into our authentic life.  It leads us to the path of fulfillment and joy that has been waiting for us, but that we have been resisting through fear. 

Taking the Red pill may mean starting therapy, quitting a safe job, investing in a business, hiring a life coach, going into 12-step recovery for an addiction, learning to meditate, starting an alkaline diet, leaving a toxic relationship, taking up a political or environmental cause, challenging the one percent, committing to a relationship, having children, moving.  The Red pill symbolizes the only true path to freedom in life.  Deepak Chopra, Rembrandt, Bill Gates, Harvey Milk, Father Greg Boyle, Marie Curie, teacher Albert Cullum, Joni Mitchell, JK Rowling, and the people protesting the oil pipeline at Standing Rock are among our heroes who took the Red pill in a major way. 

The choice between the Red and Blue pill is just that, a choice.  We make this choice every day in small or large ways.  If you are choosing to stay asleep in different ways, be compassionate with yourself.  You probably have also chosen to take the Red pill in some ways.  Perhaps you are in a dead end job but are a weekend artist.  Maybe you are in a toxic relationship but active in the environmental movement.  You could be a writer who isn’t writing but is parenting in a beautiful way.  Can the times you have chosen the Red pill be expanded?  Are there bigger ways you can wake up to your life? 

Below Neo makes his fateful decision. 

Take a look:

MIRROR MIRROR

Relationships are work.  We all know that.  Whether its friends, family, co-workers, or lovers— relationships tend to be the holy grail of self-growth challenges.  The thing most people struggle with in relationships is being able to communicate effectively when they are regressed into a fearful, unresolved childhood issue.  When this childhood issue is “triggered”, and we have an old fear come up, communication often breaks down into an attack / defend pattern.  This defensive form of communication comes from feeling threatened and tries to prove that one person is “right” and the other person is “wrong” as a way of feeling safe.  The end result of the pattern usually ranges from being stalemated to actually wounding each other psychologically.

Why do we do this obviously self-defeating pattern over and over in our adult relationships?  It may seem normal for children to do this, but when we are in our adult life it makes no rational sense—yet we see ourselves still participating in it. 

One idea is that we were not “mirrored” enough in our early development—leaving us with a psychic wound where we did not feel seen, heard, or validated.  Because a child’s survival is tied directly to the parents, a lack of mirroring can actually feel life threatening.  When a child’s experience is not reflected in the eyes and voice of their parents, that child goes into a panic.  It is as if their identity, instead of being grown and matured, is being annihilated or abandoned.

If a child is crying and the parent puts them away in a room, ignores them, yells at them, or tells them to be quiet, that child suffers this kind of annihilation or abandonment.  They also internalize a core belief that they are “in danger”, “wrong”, “bad”, “not enough”, “unloved”, or “unsafe.” 

When, as adults, we hit conflicts in our relationships and regress into these beliefs, we can actually unconsciously believe that our life is being threatened and that we better attack the person threatening us to survive.  We need to be “right”, and “seen” by the other to survive the fight.  We might do this by screaming, arguing, cajoling, being passive aggressive, manipulating, or using whatever defense we learned that can get us seen, acknowledged, or validated. Conversely we may go silent, withdrawal, shut down, or regress into some form of helplessness.  This attack / defend cycle can continue for months and years if it is not addressed. 

So what is mirroring?  Simply stated, it is looking in another person’s eyes and somehow vocalizing that who they are is seen, empathized with, appreciated, valuable, and held in equal esteem. 

In Imago Couples Therapy the couple is taught to mirror each other in a very direct, simple, and powerful way. The mirroring bypasses the previously mentioned defenses and allows the unconscious childhood wounding to heal (i.e. heals the unfinished business of childhood).  In this way we can move out of acting like impulsive, defensive children when in conflict, and move into operating from a conscious, self-aware, intimate, adult mind.  

Below Harville Hendrix, the originator of Imago Couples Therapy, discusses how it works with his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt.

Take a look: